Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage:
Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you!
Thank you for coming. Hello!
We are gonna have to get this shit over with,
'cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes.
But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um...
It's a very exciting day for me. It's been a very exciting year for me.
I turned 33 this year.
Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that.
Uh, I can tell that I'm getting older,
because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl,
my automatic thought...
is "Fuck you."
去死吧 尽管我不认识你 但是你去死吧！
"Fuck you. I don't even know you, but fuck you!"
'Cause I'm straight up jealous.
I'm jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism.
Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit,
然后排泄掉 然后就是扁平的小腹 对吧？
and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right?
They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance
where they put their feet together and there's that huge gap here
with the light of potential just radiating through.
And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep.
Right? They don't have insomnia yet.
They don't know what it's like to have to take a Ambien
or download a Meditation Oasis podcast
to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family
just cluttering your mind.
They have their whole lives ahead of them.
They don't have HPV yet.
They just go to sleep in peace at night.
Everybody has HPV, OK?
Everybody has it. It's OK.
Come out already. Everybody has it.
If you don't have it yet, you go and get it.
You go and get it. It's coming.
要是你还没感染病毒 你太失败了 好吧？
You don't have HPV yet, you're a fucking loser, all right?
That's what that says about you.
A lot of men don't know that they have HPV,
because it's undetectable in men.
这太糟了 病毒像 住在男性体内的幽灵
It's really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men's bodies
and says, "Boo!" in women's bodies.
My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV.
Either I have the kind that's gonna turn into cervical cancer...
or I have the kind where my body will heal itself.
Very helpful, this doctor, right?
So, basically, either I'm gonna die...
or you're in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We'll find out.
Um, I can also tell that I'm getting older,
because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.
I'm not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK?
I'm interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Yes. Yes, that's right, how to declutter my home
to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success.
That's what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around?
I'm a horrible person, I'm not happy with where I am,
我该怎么转动这鬼东西？ 帮帮我 托尼罗宾斯 帮帮我！
how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!
I have a hoarding problem,
which I'm hoping is the center of all of my other problems.
I'm hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.
I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country
and she taught me that you can never throw away anything,
because you never know when a dictator's gonna overtake the country
and snatch all your wealth.
So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade,
'cause it might come in handy as a shovel
when you're busy stuffing gold up your butt
and running away from the Communists.
The last time I was at home in San Francisco,
I was trying to help her get rid of shit.
Don't ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life.
It was so emotional.
We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax
when she refused to let go
of a Texas Instruments TI-82...
The manual. She don't even know...
where the calculator is.
Those of you under 25
probably don't know what that calculator is.
It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation.
We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade.
It cost like $200.
And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson's laptop from the future.
All because what?
It could graph.
It was like the Tesla of my time.
And my mom got so emotional about the manual
and she was like, "You never know when you might need this."
And I was like, "But... I do know...
that I'm gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die."
"And I'm not trying to be a procrastinator anymore.
Because according to Deepak-Oprah,
that's not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success."
I grew up a lot this past year.
Uh, this past year I also got married.
To a man who now has HPV.
Very lucky guy.
He gave me something.
I gave him something.
That will also last forever.
No, really. I'm the lucky girl,
because before him, I dated a lot of losers.
Lots of losers. A lot of skaters.
You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters.
Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen.
They're sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside.
但是我的老公 我们初次相遇 是在婚礼上
But my husband, I first met him at this wedding
and, uh, he's-- he's much better looking than me,
he's way out of my league,
我看到他 心想 “天啊 他是谁？”
and I saw him and I was like, "Oh, my God, who is that?"
And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time,
he was attending Harvard Business School.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna trap his ass."
"Going to trap his ass!"
And I trapped his ass initially
by not kissing him until the fifth date,
which is a very unusual move on my part.
But I did it on purpose,
because I knew that he was a catch.
So I was like, "All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe
that your body is a secret garden."
When, really, it's a public park...
that has hosted many reggae fests...
and has even accidentally let...
two homeless people inside.
I thought they were hipsters, OK?
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