lt's always the same dream.
l'm wandering, naked, in this strange maze of hallways,
and l feel this creeping sense of impending doom,
like something terrible is about to happen.
l pass my roommate, my mom,
my best friend, Stella, basically every significant person in my life,
and they're all just staring at me like l'm some kind of museum display behind glass.
Then l see two people l've never met before.:
a mysterious, unearthly, beautiful woman
and this red-haired girl.
And they both seem to be leading me deeper into the corridor.
This is when l notice the black door.
And l'm not sure why, but somehow l know that l've got to find out what's behind it.
So l grab hold of the knob, open the door, and discover...
l've had this same bizarre fucking dream every night since l moved into the dorms last week.
So now l'm wide awake.
And being 1 8 and perpetually horny,
any time l have five idle minutes,
my right hand automatically takes over
like it's got a will of its own.
Sorry. l was trying to be quiet.
lt's too hot to sleep anyway.
How was the party?
Rad. [chuckles] l'm wasted.
You should have come with, dude.
Everyone got crunked, took their clothes off, swam.
The water was so warm.
You mind if l sit?
Can l ask you something?
You're, like, gay, right?
Uh, l'm more... undeclared.
What's it like, exactly? l mean, l imagine it's different from being with a girl.
lt's way different.
lt's more...raw. Physical.
And because you're intimately familiar with the plumbing,
there's less mystery and guesswork.
Like, you know exactly what to do and how it feels.
Do you, like, kiss and stuff?
you know, kissed another guy before.
Well, it's pretty fucking awesome.
Shh! My roommate.
Plow me, stud! Plow me with your monstrous tool!
So...yeah. l have an excruciatingly hot straight roommate.
What's up? l'm Thor.
Like the comic. Yep.
And his name really is Thor,
as in the superhero god of thunder with the giant hammer.
l sleep naked. l hope that doesn't weird you out.
lt's like perpetual torture.
Plus, of course, he's a surfer, dumb as a box of rocks,
AKA, exactly my type.
So l'm like really into Gran Turismo 5.
And before that, l was into SOCOM.
And, oh, yeah, Kill Zone.
l get with guys sometimes.
Sexually, l mean.
And l also like to surf. Do you surf, dude?
The guy sounds like a fucking ass-tard.
My partner in crime, Stella.
Stella and l first met way back in ninth grade.
l refuse to do this assignment
'cause you're a sexist loser who has no fucking clue what you're talking about.
And really, Smith? Another lurid ''in love with the oblivious straight boy'' fixation?
That's just it. l'm not sure how straight Thor really is.
You just said he was putting a load in some pinhead's dryer last night.
Yeah, but doing it with women doesn't necessarily make him straight. Case in point.
The fact that you randomly sometimes stick it in a girl
does not mean anything beyond you need to monitor your drinking.
There's just things Thor does that make me wonder.
Here we go.
Okay, so he's your typical straight guy, right, when it comes to sloppiness and manners
and scratching his balls in public
or, like, eating half a piece of pizza off someone's coffee table.
However, he also does stuff like,
he wears deodorant every single day,
and he exfoliates every night, religiously, with one of those vibrating dermabrasion things.
Plus, he's a little too into his own body,
like, beyond a normal ''straight guy who works out admiring himself'' kind of way.
Are we done? - No.
l saved the weirdest thing for last.
He wears flip-flops, like, almost every day, right? Very hetero, very dude choice.
Except for the fact that he has a whole collection of them,
which he keeps in a color-coordinated row in his closet.
Well, next to putting a dick in your mouth with Lady Gaga playing in the background,
that's about as gay as it gets.
See? l told you.
Smith, l'm kidding.
This was all cute and fun when we were 1 5,
but we're legal adults now, in college.
Anyway, l got to get to class.
Me too. Where are you headed?
l'm beginning to wonder if being an art major in the College of Creative Studies
is a little too hippy-dippy even for me.
Gee, you think?
The Messiah, our pothead R.A. who's ''baked Alaska'' literally 24/7.
What's going on?
We were just on our way to class.
Oh, that's cool.
l had a really freaky dream last night.
We'd love to hear all about it, but--
Both of you were in it.
And the whole world blew up in a horrible nuclear catastrophe.
Great. Thanks, Messiah. Bye-bye.
Majoring in film studies is something l've wanted to do all my life,
even though it is a little anachronistic,
considering there's real doubt as to whether cinema as we know it will even exist anymore in the next few years.
lt's kind of like devoting your life to studying an animal that's on the verge of extinction.
Smith, college is just an intermission between high school and the rest of your life.
lt's four years of having sex, making stupid mistakes, and experiencing stuff.
lt's a pit stop, not the Second Coming of the Messiah.
Speaking of, that was sort of bizarre, what The Messiah was saying this morning.
What's that guy's deal? He's got to be, like, 30 at least.
Yeah, l've been having weird dreams lately too. [scoffs]
What do you think it means?
lt's a well-known fact that dreams are just your brain taking a dump at the end of the day.
They don't mean anything.
Let me guess.
Thor. What's up?
Thor, this is my best friend, Stella. Stella, Thor.
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