你们好啊 孩子们
Hey, kids.
怎么了
What's wrong?
没怎么 我还是觉得
Nothing, I just, I still feel like this
这房♥子对两个人来说有点大
is a lot of house for two people.
谁说只有我们两个住的
Well, who says it only has to be the two of us.
我们开始吧
Let's get started.
造人计划
马丁约翰
John.
怎么了
Yeah?
过来一下
Come in here.
好 马上就来
Okay, be right there.
我觉得这一批
I think this batch is contaminated
被一种野生酵母菌污染了
with a wild yeast infection.
我会把野生酵母菌传染 不
Oh, I'll give you a wild yeast inf-- no.
我以为你做过一次
I think you did one time.
好了 过来
Here we go. Come on.
是这个蓝色加号♥什么的吗
Is this one of these blue plus things?
不是 是那个数字的
No, it's one of the digital ones.
未怀孕
没事的 没事的
It's okay. It's okay.
不是什么大问题
It's no big deal.
我们一定会让你怀孕的
Look, we're gonna get pregnant.
我确定 我能感觉到
I know it. I can feel it.
-我保证 -好
- I promise you, all right? - Mm-hmm.
-我爱你 -我也爱你
- I love you. - I love you, too.
往好的一面想想
And look at the bright side,
你还要经受婚礼的考验
you get to get hammered at the wedding.
行吧
Oh.
是啊 那基本一样的了
Yeah, that's almost exactly the same.
跟我说说好消息
So, tell me the good news.
没怀上
Negative.
什么
What?
你有跟你妈妈说过
Did you tell your mother
你在做妊娠试验吗
you're taking a pregnancy test?
她记得我的排卵期
She memorized my ovulation schedule.
是啊 那还真是正常
Oh, yeah, sure, that's normal.
又一次
Again?
这怎么可能
How is that possible?
我的天 我不想谈这事
Oh, my God, I don't wanna talk about it.
你用我给你的排卵条了吗
Are you using the ovulation strips that I bought you?
拜托 别在这里说
Okay, not here.
我就是想让你知道
I just want you to know that
我一直在向圣丽塔为你们两个祈祷
I've been praying to St. Rita for you both.
你知道圣丽塔是谁吗 约翰ny
Do you know who St. Rita is, Johnny?
什么
Hm?
不 我不知道那是什么
No, I don't know who that is.
她是阳痿的守护神
She's the patron saint of impotence.
-抱歉 什么 -阳痿
- What now? - Impotence.
老天爷
Jeez.
听我说 伯德 我没有阳痿
Okay. Bird, I am not impotent.
过去不是 未来也不会是
Never have been, I never will be.
-磐石般坚硬 次次都是 -别说了
- Rock hard, every time. - Oh, take it down, please
问题就在这里 我每次都得让它软下来
That's the problem because I have to take it down.
-它一直抬着头 -行了 这是我妈
- It's always up. - Okay. She's my mother and--
-你跟她说 -对 每次都硬成石头
- Can you tell her? - Yeah, rock hard, every time.
圣丽塔是不育的守护神
St. Rita is the patron saint
不是阳痿
of infertility, not impotence.
无论如何 想想你♥爸♥ 愿他安息
Anyway, just remember that your dad, God rest his gentle soul,
他去世的时候都不知道
you know, he died without ever knowing
自己的血脉能不能延续
if his bloodline would continue.
这话说得太伤人了
That is a terrible thing to say.
我就是想在死之前
I just wanna be able to hold a grandchild
-抱抱孙辈 仅此而已 -行了
- before I die, that's it. - Okay, well, look...
她以为她在哪里
Where does she think she is?
她在嚼口香糖吗
Is she chewing gum?
没错 她穿的是个什么啊
Yikers, aye, what is she wearing?
有个建议我之前忘了说了
Oh, a tip I forgot to give you earlier.
下次你们两个完事之后
Next time after you're done, um, performing
你要把凯蒂的臀部抬起来
you should raise Katie's hips in the air.
我就这么干的 就这么怀上她的
That's what I did. That's how she was conceived,
因为我们把我的臀部抬起来了
'cause we raised my hips in the air and then that way
然后重力就把精♥液♥灌进我的子♥宫♥里
gravity pulled his semen right into my uterus.
-好的 谢了 伯德 -老天
- All right, thank you, Bird. - Oh, my God.
我们让她倒立怎么样
We'll just have her do a handstand, how's that?
就是有帮助 这样有助于受孕
Well, it's just helpful. It's just a helpful thing.
看起来保利叔叔是打算
Looks like Uncle Paulie is going
现在就杀个人了
to kill somebody right now.
其实我觉得他已经很好了
Actually, I think he's doing pretty well...
考虑到她的情况
considering her situation.
-什么情况 -得了吧 你知道的
- What situation? - Come on, you heard.
年轻小两口 订婚不久
Young couple, short engagement.
她怀孕了吗
She's pregnant?!
现在你们都知道了
So now you know.
我以前是吉尔的保姆
I used to babysit Jill.
当她保姆
Babysit her.
结果现在她比我还早怀上 我就
And now she's pregnant before me. I just...
别管了
Forget it.
-抱歉 -没事啊
- Sorry, um. - No.
跟我说点好的吧
Just tell me something good.
首先 你超级热辣
Well, for one, you're super hot.
你今晚看着很美
You looked beautiful tonight.
第二 我从吧台偷了三瓶香槟
And second... I stole three bottles of champagne from the bar.
别动我东西
Don't touch my stuff.
什么鬼
What the...
住手 住手
Hey, hey.
你家孩子能别再砸我车♥库♥的东西了吗
Could your kids maybe not break everything in my garage?
孩子们 停手
Oh. Kids, knock it off.
他们说什么
What they'd say?
他说他很抱歉
Uh... He said he's very sorry
她说她很爱她的叔叔
and she said she loves her uncle very much.
你根本不知道他们在说什么 对吧
You have no idea what they said, do you?
对
No.
我感觉很抱歉
I feel terrible.
我们就是侵占了你家 对吧
We're totally invading your house, aren't we?
-什么 -我们毁了你舒服的周日
- Huh? - We're ruining your cozy Sunday.
瞎说 我们很欢迎你们来做客
Oh stop it, we love it when you guys come visit.
软件升级怎么样了
Say, how's the software update comin'?
所以你才会来
That's why you're here,
-你来查我的岗 -什么
- you're checking up on me. - What?
才不是 就是和我弟弟聊聊天
No. Just making small talk with my little bro
顺便为上级领导收集一点好消息
and getting a lot of heat from the higher ups.
约翰 我们已经预售了很多这款软件
You know, we've presold a lot of this software John, so.
我还要做几个小调整
I got a few more tweaks to make,
然后就能给你了 行吗
and then I'll give it to you, all right?
好的
All right.
顺便 你穿的什么鬼东西
What the hell are you wearing, by the way?
帅吧 我的新机车夹克
Right? My new motorcycle jacket.
-你很喜欢 -并不
- You love it. - I don't.
-你又没有摩托车 -暂时没有
- You don't own a motorcycle. - Not yet.
但是这周的手续费给我以后就有了
But after this month's commission check I will.
戈登 你十三岁自行车才卸了辅助轮
Gordon, you had training wheels until you were 13.
约翰 别担心我
John, don't worry about me, bro.
我买♥♥了能买♥♥到的最好的头盔
Huh, I got the best helmet money can buy
我还会参加国家强制性安全课程
and I gotta take a state mandated safety course.
你该看看我买♥♥的野兽
You gotta see this hog I got.
大排量人丁旺
Loud pipes save lives.
我恨摩托车 恨摩托车的一切
I hate motorcycles. I hate everything about them.
他真的会那么做吗
I mean, he's really gonna do that though?
不知道 也许吧
I dunno, I guess.
他不是打牌 腿骨折过吗
Didn't he somehow break a leg playing poker.
上个月他发现一根灰色丁丁毛
Last month he found a gray peepee hair.