大家好
Hello.
我是安迪…
I am Andy...
谢谢大家来观看我的电影
and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie.
我本来希望它精彩一点
I wish it was better, you know,
但… 它是如此的乏味
but... it is so stupid.
糟透了，我自己也不喜欢
It's terrible. I-I do not even like it.
我生命里最重要的事…
All of the most important things in my life...
都改变了…
a-a-are changed around and mixed up...
为了…
for, um...
戏剧
uh, dramatic purposes.
所以…
So...
我决定剪掉…
I decided to cut out...
所有的废话
all of the baloney.
现在电影断多了
Now the movie is much shorter.
其实
In fact,
这…是结尾
this... is the end of the movie.
谢谢大家
Thank you very much.
我是认真的
I am not fooling.
再见
Good-bye.
Go.
你们还在这
Wow. You're still here.
好
O-kay!
我希望你们耐心点
I hope you're not upset.
我那样做是为了排除那些… 不理解我的人…
I did that to get rid of those folks who just... wouldn't understand me...
我甚至不想试
and don't even want to try.
事实上， 这部电影真的很精彩
Actually, the movie is really great.
里面有形形色♥色♥的人物
It's just filled with colorful characters,
就象我已经拍的 和正在拍的片
like the one I just did and the one I'm doing now.
我们的故事开始了…
Our story begins...
让我们回到古老的岛屿
back in Great Neck, Long Island.
这是我的家
This is our house.
那是我爸爸的老车
And that's my father's old car.
那是我爸爸
That's my father.
那是我的小♥弟♥弟♥迈克尔
That's my little brother Michael.
那是我的小妹妹卡罗尔
That's my little sister Carol.
- 那是我妈妈 - 贾尼斯?
- And that's my mom. - Janice?
安迪在房♥间里吗?
Andy's up in his room?
在
Yeah.
伯尔先生说凯特夫 把他的头砍掉了
Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off.
她看见了，这不是真的
She saw it And it's not true.
今天的嘉宾,伯尔先生
Today's special guest, Mr. Bear.
- 怎么了，伯尔先生？ - 安迪？
- What's up, Mr. Bear? - Andy?
儿子，不要再闹了
Son, this has got to stop.
我们的家不是电视台
Our house is not a television station.
墙上没有照相机
There's not a camera in that wall.
这上不行的 你应该到外面去演
I mean, this is not healthy. You should be outside playing sports.
可我有自己的演播室
But I have my own sports show.
安迪, 你知道我不是这个意恩
Andy, you know that's not what I meant.
看，我把脚放下去 就没地方演了
Look, I'm gonna put my foot down. No more playing alone.
- 要表演，你必须有观众 - 他们在那边
- You want to perform, you have got to have an audience. - They're right there!
那不是观众 那是石灰膏
That is not an audience. That is plaster.
观众是由活着的 会呼吸的人组成的
An audience is made of people, people who live and breathe.
安迪·考夫曼和霍迪在场…
Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present...
“动物歌♥”！
"The Animal Song"!
我唱动物，你告诉我是什么
I'm gonna say the animal, and then you tell me what it says.
- 好吗？ - 好的
- Okay? - Okay.
- Oh, the cow goes... - Moo.
- And the cat goes... - Meow! Meow!
And the bird goes...
- Tweet, tweet. - Tweet, tweet!
And the lion goes...
Roar!
- And the dog goes - Ruff.
- And the cat goes - Meow.
- And the bird goes - Tweet.
- And the pig goes - Oink.
And that's the way it goes
- 安迪·考夫曼的喜剧风格 - 谢谢
- The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman. - Thank you.
比萨曼先生, 明天同样演出吗?
So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?
我不知道,安迪, 我想我得让你走了
I don't know, Andy. I think I have to let you go.
你要解雇我?
You're firing me?
你… 甚至不付我钱
You... You don't even pay me.
我不想被人侮辱 你只是个业余者
I don't want to seem insulting, but your act is like amateur hour.
六年来你只会唱歌♥ 像傀儡一样缺乏趣味
You're doing sing alongs for six-year-olds and puppets that aren't funny.
- 放录音带? - 但那完全是原唱
- Playing records? - But it's totally original.
没人那样做过 我跟其它人不一样
No one's ever done it. I'm not like everyone else.
其它人把这当餐厅
Well, everybody else gets this place cookin'.
我认为这就是个餐厅 那边的那个人真是乱来
I thought it was cooking. There was a man over here that was really upset.
他大叫一声 很多人中场离开了
He stormed out, and a lot of other people left in the middle of your act.
- 我的酒席卖♥♥不出去… - 这不是喜剧 也不是艺术
- I can't sell booze... - It's not about comedy. It's not about art.
- 是有关我的酒席 - 当你唱歌♥时,我卖♥♥不出去酒席
- It's about booze. - I can't sell booze when you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."
- 就是这个问题 - 我在这做生意
- That's all that matters. - I'm running a business here.
是娱乐生意， 娱乐生意，娱乐生意
It's show business. Show business. Show business.
,没有生意,哪来娱乐
Without the business, there's no show.
- 没场地给你演出 - 你要我怎么做?
- There's no show for you. - Wh-What do you want me to do?
- “请带走我的妻子”? - 至少要有个玩笑 试试开一些玩笑
- "Take my wife, please"? - At least it's a joke. Try some jokes.
象“为什么连体婴儿去英国?”
Like, "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?"
我不知道,为什么他们去英国?
I don't know. Why did they go to England?
所以有人就会编故事
So the other one could drive.
可是他们为什么知道怎么编呢
But why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?
也许你不擅长这个
Whew. Maybe that one isn't for you.
编一些感人的交通故事
But do jokes about the traffic, do impressions,
也许还有些悲伤的素村
maybe some blue material.
谢谢大家，晚上好
Thank you very much. Goodnight!
现在
Now?
现在
Now.
谢谢大家
Thank you very much.
我不喜欢…
One thing I do not like...
拥挤的交通
is too much traffic.
你们知道?
You know?
今晚我必须来…
Tonight I had to come...
从…
from... uh...
从高速公路
A-And the freeway,
路上交通很拥挤
it-it was so much traffic.
我花了一个半小时才到这
I-It took me an hour and a half to get here.
可是… 可…
But... But...
谈起糟糕的事…
talking about the terrible things...
我妻子… 拿我妻子来说
My wife... take my wife. Please take her.
Ugh.
不
No.
不,我只是开玩笑
No. I am only fooling.
我… 我爱我的妻子
I... I-I love my wife,
但她不知道怎么做饭
but she don't know how to cook.
她的手艺不好
Her cooking is so bad.
- 很糟糕 - 不
- It's terrible. - No.
现在我- 我想…
Now I-I would like to...
我想为你们…
I would like to do for you...
模仿一下
the imitations.
我想从…
I would like to start...
吉米·卡特开始
with the... the Jimmy Carter.
美国总统
The president of the United States.
大家好,我是吉米·卡特
Hello, I am Jimmy Carter,
美国总统
the president of the United States.
天哪
God!
非常感谢
Thank you very much.
现在我要为你们…
And now I would like to do for you...
表演…
the...
埃尔维斯·普雷斯
the Elvis Presley.
Well, it's one for the money two for the show three to get ready
Now go, cat, go Now, don't you
Step on my blue suede shoes
Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes
Let's go, cat!
巴德,这家伙是哪里人
Budd, what's the story with this guy?
他来自立陶宛
I think he's from Lithuania.
Oh, blue, blue blue suede shoes
Baby, blue, blue blue suede shoes, honey
Blue, blue blue suede shoes, baby
Blue, blue blue suede shoes
You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes
Oh, well we were dancin'
We were dancin'
To the jailhouse rock