I have no idea how to tell this story.
I don't even know how to start it.
Like, I guess I could use one of those classic
story beginning sentences.
"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times."
But what would that even mean?
I mean, obviously, somewhere in the world,
it's the best of times for someone.
Like he's eating all this insane
vietnamese food he just got for free...
and the woman who delivered the food
looks exactly like the hot girl from Pussy Riot
and now she's situated in the corner
playing unspeakably beautiful melodies on the harp,
while he's just going to town on that food.
So, yeah, that's the best of times.
Meanwhile, some other guy is having
his will broken by professional torturers...
who are suspending him over a crocodile-infested pool of acid.
And because it's acid,
these crocodiles are just pissed.
And they're also piping in that gross smell you get...
when they spill a bunch of milk
in the school parking lot.
And this beefy torture dude
is just punching the hell out of him.
Worst of times. Check.
好了 看 我就这么开始吧
All right, look. I'll just start.
This is the story of my senior year of high school
and how it destroyed my life.
And how I made a film so bad, it literally killed someone.
I used to think about it this way:
Schenley High School was a world unto itself.
By senior year, I had mastered the languages and customs
of its various sovereign states.
The head nods of Jock Nation.
The fist bumps of the Kingdom of Stoners.
The innocuous witticisms of
the People's Republic of Theater Dorks.
Greg, how was your summer?
Summer. What does that word even mean?
Like, more "summ"?
In a typical high school life,
you belong to one nation...
which can never guarantee you total security.
But I thought I found a way out.
Get citizenship in every nation.
Get passports to everywhere.
Just be on low-key good terms with everyone...
casually interact with them once in a while...
in a way that is invisible to everyone else.
Never commit to an interaction
that won't be casual or mellow.
Your test was today?
呃 考试 我可以体会
Ugh. Tests! I've been there.
That's like sending troops to Afghanistan.
Maintain relationships with citizens
of the most dicked-upon nations.
For example, Scott Mayhew,
the gothy dork I'm sitting next to here.
Scott, nice Berserker.
It took years of cultivation to win his trust.
Or the universally ostracized Ill Phil.
Truly a nation of one.
And there were some places I simply couldn't go.
Like the cafeteria.
Every last square inch of it was disputed territory.
It was Crimea, Kashmir,
and the Gaza Strip all rolled into one.
Also the part of the Indian Ocean with pirates.
Captain Phillips pirates,
not Pirates of the Caribbean.
但是实际上 天知道 也许两者都有
Although, actually, who knows? Maybe both.
Instead, I always ate lunch in the office
of my history teacher.
I'm in 309 for the next... 20 minutes.
The only reasonable adult in all of Schenley.
Respect the research.
With Earl, whose role in my life
I'm not even gonna try to explain to you right now.
The harmony of overwhelming and collective murder.
One last thing. Hot girls destroy your life.
That 's just the fact. It doesn't matter if the hot girl is also a good person.
She's a moose, you're a chipmunk.
She's just wandering through the forest, oblivious.
And she doesn't even know that she stomped on your head.
Hey, how was your summer?
夏天 这个词究竟什么意思 对吧
Summer. What does that word even mean, right?
Winter, same deal. More "wint"?
McCarthy's in 309.
To become humbled
in front of this overwhelming misery...
and overwhelming fornication
and overwhelming lack of order.
-亲爱的 我们能进来吗 -天啊 天啊
-Honey, can we come in? -Jesus, Jesus!
Yeah. What do you want?
First of all, I was going through...
your stuff and I saw that you
have not even unwrapped your college directory.
Mom, don't go through my stuff.
We discussed it, and she gets to go through your stuff.
Just have a look. It's fun.
It's like a menu for your future.
What are you in the mood for? Some Penn State?
还是佩伯代因大学 波莫纳 普林斯顿
Some Pepperdine? Pomona? Princeton?
I'm not getting into Princeton.
He's not getting into Princeton.
Um, so, is that it?
不 亲爱的 还有一件事
No, honey, it's not it.
Your father and I want to talk to you about something kind of sad.
Well, I just got off the phone with Denise Kushner,
Rachel's mom. You know Denise?
Um, not really.
You're friends with Rachel, though.
Yeah, I mean, we're like, acquainted.
Rachel's been diagnosed with leukemia.
They just found out.