It's the brand new us in brand new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing you girls in clothes.
Things just sound creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner,
we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news?
We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tearaway too.
Don't say words.
I think I just looked into the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
Stop, drop, and roll!
停下 趴下 打滚
You're on fire.
You're on fire.
Now scissor a little. It can't hurt.
来 磨两下豆腐 磨磨不碍事儿
Okay, now that no one can see Oleg's nipples,
As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day
like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me,
I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that?
I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for?
The baby's almost here
and I still have a bunch of new father stuff to do:
build a crib;
get rid of yards of buttbeads.
You can build a crib?
Anyway, the big change we're talking about
is changing right now.
I don't want to!
Those shorts look like a cheap hotel,
I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough?
Thanks for reminding me. Caroline?
Now you have.
And this is what you get for gambling on ladies' tennis
and owing us $,.
You look like Bob's "little" boy.
Should we order directly into your mouth?
Han, since the diner is now owner operated,
if we have to wait on tables, so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts because our other business,
the dessert bar, is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar?
Huh... pill time.
I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with Max's heartbreak
over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent than Beyonce's "Lemonade."
How dare you? She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is offlimits in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here,
what the hell is a dessert bar?
Is it cake with alcohol in it?
Or alcohol with cake?
Cause either way, nobody wants to make love
after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet?
Randy, Randy, Randy. Zing!
兰迪 兰迪 兰迪 咬我啊
Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out
than a Catholic from Indiana.
该州教徒较为传统保守 甚至可以以宗教信仰为由 拒绝服务同性恋
Sophie, do you feel anything?
I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you?
Oh, is that what that sound is?
I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth
waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl?
I don't like her.
None of these bartenders have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey. I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis,
so you're doing better than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's still in the running.
Mine would be here, but he gets nervous at interviews.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's still not holding his penis.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name. People call me "Randy."
And we hate that name. Out you go.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's... come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a
mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm
and carry Chinese food with the other.
Where'd that guy go?
He disappeared faster than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
I'll be okay and so will we.
This is Williamsburg;
you can't spit without hitting a bartender.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Why do we live here?
I'm here for the bartender interview.
Oh, no, you two.
How do we know him?
Wait a minute.
You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us
two years and three businesses ago
by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Do you wiggle a lot?
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists,
the puppets aren't talking to me
Here's my resume.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills, you wrote, "Revenge."
Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be under
Favorite TV Shows."
But can't we just let bygones be bygones?
I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace,
and I've completely... completely centered myself
through a series of... of therapy sessions
that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know. It's on your resume.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with
Let's just go with "Creepy people that we hate."
You two, with your porcelain skin
and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job,
but FYI, Cagney and Lacey,
nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand?
It's signature cocktails
paired with dessert confections.
Why do all my enemies have to be geniuses?
He does seem a lot better.
Max, we open in two days; we need a bartender.
麦克斯 还有两天就开业了 我们需要一个酒保
Look, I will just take care of the drinks
till we find the right person not named "Randy."
Max, look around. We did it.
麦克斯 看看这里 我们做到了
And it only cost every cent we got
from your big movie deal.
And the weed money you were hiding
in that box labeled "Not weed money."
I'm gonna go check out the bathroom again.
You know you've made it when you have an industrial flush.
The seat is clean. You don't even have to hover.
Delivery for Max and Caroline.
What are you wearing?
And I don't know how this is possible,
but you have a camel toe.
It's my flower delivery uniform.
I picked up a shift so I could pay you two shrews faster
and get my diner back.
Now, could you please sign? I left my bicycle unlocked.
It says, "Max and Caroline,
congratulations on your dessert bar, Randy."
These are from Randy.
Oh, my God. Get these out of here.
The Upsy Daisies are our most popular item.
Widows get into fist fights over them.
Han, get these out of here.
I can't have her see these. Go.
I will make a notation that you did not tip.
No digit promo code for you.
The mail wasn't there, but that unexplained puddle
in the hallway is thriving.
I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool
and try to raise our rent.
I'd love to have friends over to my puddle for a change.
Our liquor license was supposed to come today.
We should have gotten mail by now.
We also should have left batteries
in the carbon monoxide detector,
but I got tired of all the beeping.
Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual?
Yeah, nope. Still not a mother.
是的 没动静 我还没当妈
Oh, I'm so bored.
I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned.
I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind.
Sophie, where did you get those Upsy Daisies?
Oh, Han gave them to me.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me a timeshare in the Poconos.
Yeah, but I got to say,
I was a little intrigued.
Sophie, you shouldn't be down here.
There's a probable carbon monoxide leak.
You should go check out our pool.
Why did Han give you flowers?
Is he trying to hit that?
Oh, well, he'd have to reach that first.
No, they were for you guys.
Yeah, Caroline didn't want them.
Yeah, but I'm not above garbage flowers.
These are from Randy for me.
Max, I didn't want to tell you about the flowers.
I didn't want to upset you.
If you don't want to upset me,
then why do you chew salad so loudly?
Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
I am not mad.
我 不 生气
It was really nice of Randy to send flowers
and maybe I should call him.
Bad idea to get in touch with Randy.
Very bad idea, like,
jumpsuits on short women.
He did a nice thing
and I just want to thank him.
We'll thank him together.
You know what people like to get nowadays?
A handwritten note. Let me grab my stationery.
It's a Rite Aid receipt so there's plenty of room.
Dear Randy... You know what?
Just calling Randy is rude.
Since when do you worry about rude?
You interrupt almost every... I want to FaceTime him.
That's much worse, and you just interrupted me Ag...
Hi, Randy. Max!
It's so great to hear from you.
Is Caroline not there, or is she standing behind you
with her arms folded, looking angry?
My arms aren't folded, they're on my hips.
And I'm not angry,
but Max called you without my permission.
Hi, Miss Channing.
Max has to get off the phone.
You're embarrassing me.
Max, it took you three months
and a palette of Cheetos to get over him.
You covered the screen, not the speaker.
You shouldn't be talking to him.
You shouldn't be wearing blue eye shadow.
You told me it looked nice
and now I've ruined the receipt and I can't take it back.
Guys, I'm getting whiplash.
You know what? Everyone just calm down.
I'm just saying thank you.
Sophie, is it time?
Are you in labor?
I broke my masturbating underwear.
Ah, but you know how that goes.
I do not
and I will not act like I might.
You know, you're a puzzle
that I have no interest in solving.
Here's your mail.
Our liquor license.
You know what,
I think my masturbating underwear is shortcircuiting,
but... eeh... oh... but it feels pretty good.
Is not coming because I made a tiny mistake on the forms?
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
nobody knows what a dessert bar is.
it just makes people angry.
Max, I have bad news.
Oh, my God... you're naked!
I'm saying thank you to Randy.
Looks like Randy is thanking himself.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
That thank you kind of got away from us.
Max, put your pants on, we're going downtown.
麦克斯 把裤子穿上 我们要去市区
That's funny, Randy just told me
to take them off for the same reason.
Last time I saw a line this long,
it went up my nose.
And I almost married Katt Williams.
Is there a different line for people
who just made one tiny mistake and it's not her fault
cause she was just overwhelmed at the time?
Max, we're gonna die here.
I'd give out flyers for the dessert bar, but I just saw
someone pull an unwrapped cheese stick out of his pocket.
I can't believe you filled out a form wrong.
Start a business much?
Uh, in my defense, this is kind of your fault.
Me? How is it my fault?
I was in a fort made out of pillows most of July.
Or was it August?
I don't know, you can lose track of time in a fort.
I had to jackass around this whole city
to get the dessert bar ready while you were
rolling in the deep, getting over Randy.
hello from the other side.
And now, after all that,
I catch you going down on Randy's iPhone.
I'm warning you right now,
I am not bathing you again.
Look, there is a mathematical formula
involved in breakup sex.
What do you know about math?
You always leave out six when you count to ten.
Doesn't mean you're stupid.
A lot of persons do that.
Typically, in a breakup,
if you live in the same city,
you go to the guy's house to pick up your stuff,
and then you do it.
That's one time.
Then you "forget something" and he brings it to your place
and then you do it.
Then you run into each other at a bar,
do it in the bathroom.
Then you fake a pregnancy. That's four.
Then he fakes an STD. That's five.
And then you're broken up.
There's been no math.
Five is a number.
Numbers are math. Read a book.
Yeah. Read a book.
Name a book.
The phone book.
This line is for municipal licenses only.
Not driver's licenses, wedding licenses, or whatnot.
驾照 结婚证或其他的 一律不在这里
If you don't know what that is, you're in the wrong line.
How could you not know what line
you're supposed to be standing in?
Randy, let me call you back from the bathroom.
I know where it is. I used to work here.
Oh, Max was just thanking me for the flowers again.
That's why I'm not wearing a shirt.
Uh, let me call you back, but keep your pants off.
What? I am not counting that as one.
Were you really gonna spank it
in the middle of the municipal building?
Don't be crass, Caroline.
Ding ding ding!
It's just some clerical error
so we should be able to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of
getting slappy with bureaucrats.
We got this in the mail,
and there's been some teensy little mistake...
Well, well, well!
I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little
Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave?
Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I
not help you two?
This is your deadend job?
I pictured you working as a drug mule
or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job?
Dude, I just made a mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break?
Our dessert bar is supposed to open tomorrow night.
I gave up a boyfriend for this business,
and I'm gonna mess up
her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're gonna have to delay our opening.
You know what?
Let me talk to my supervisor.
His neck's a little rusty,
but that's a no.
I would make us a drink but without a liquor license,
all I can make is meth.
This is all my fault.
No, I was in a funk about Randy
and you had to do all this stuff on your own.
It's my fault. Okay, good.
是我的错 好吧 太好了
That's what I really thought,
but I just wanted to make sure it was out there.
We have zero luck, Max, zero.
麦克斯 我们毫无运气 屁点没有
I just stopped by to say
I'm sorry about your dessert bar.
You two are unlucky A, F.
That's "As Freddie."
He's a friend of mine.
He's very unlucky.
there's no outside liquor.
Cause it just makes us feel worse.
This ain't outside liquor. It's from the diner.
Can't you tell by the beef floating in it?
Oh, my God. It's not from outside.
It's from the diner.
Max, who owns the diner?
Me, you, and an Asian squirrel.
我 你 还有一只亚洲松鼠
Max, we don't need a liquor license because...
We already have one.
Oh! I just did more math.
Still not math!
I haven't seen women move that fast
since the Activia recall.
Here it is!
Oh, my God, Han's middle name is Margaret.
Sometimes the universe just gives you a gift.
This entitles the owner, operator, operators...
凡持有该证的老板 经营者 经营者们...
of the Williamsburg Diner
to serve alcohol to those persons and over,
reserving the right to not serve those persons
who do not supply valid ID!
Max, do you know what this means?
I am totally carding Han Margaret
when he comes in our dessert bar,
which is so opening tomorrow night.
Still preg... achoo!
Are you guys seeing this too?
I'm never gonna forget it.
I think my water broke.
Get out here and bring the mop bucket.
Sophie's in labor.
Oh. I'm calling the car right now.
It says "Your Lyft driver is already here."
Did somebody order a car?
Look, it's Minnie Driver.
Sophie, we're having a baby.
She should be scared,
she's wearing electric underwear.