Slow, easy breaths.
I was more talking to myself.
Don't leave me in there alone.
You know I see dead people.
Well, a baby.
Oh, good, our goober driver's here.
Aren't I suffering enough
to get the diner back from you two?
I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber
and selling Molly out of that glove compartment.
Han, I hate to hit the stereotype of Asian women drivers,
but could you speed the hell up?
Do you want to arrive quickly
or do you want to arrive safely?
A teddy bear doesn't count as carpooling, lady!
I can't have a car baby.
Three of my brothers were born in the car.
On the way to the woods,
where they were supposed to be born.
Sophie, do you think you could move your seat up a scooch?
Only because I think my leg is broken.
This reminds me of a road trip I took one time
with Earth, Wind & Fire.
The car was so cramped,
we had to leave Wind behind.
I feel like someone just left some wind behind in here.
Sophie, smile for the camera.
I don't want to miss a minute.
No Golishevsky man has ever been there
for the birth of his child.
Why, because it's bad luck
to see your wife before she's born?
You tell one story where your uncle marries his daughter,
and suddenly, you're the incest guy.
Ah, I can feel the baby's head.
It's your sandwich.
It's yours now.
Sophie, you have to make it to the hospital.
I sold my rare toeporn collection
to pay for a fancy birthing suite.
I'm gonna give birth to this baby in style.
I won't have to protect it from wild animals afterwards,
you know, which is nice.
Sophie, don't get too comfortable in that suite.
You're gonna need to drop it like it's hot
the second we get to the hospital.
Max and I have to get ready for our dessert bar opening.
Baby on board! Move it or lose it!
In their defense, it looks like no one's driving this car.
Excuse me, doctor? It's been hours.
不好意思 医生 已经小时了
Is there some way we could speed this up?
You know, jumping jacks, Indian food,
Does she need to be in here?
Yeah, that one
and the other one over there are the godparents.
They're not a couple.
Oleg thinks they do it a little though.
Only centimeter. I don't feel anything.
It could be a while.
Sophie, you may want to take off the Spanx.
I'm not dead.
Oh, man, tub legs.
I'll be back.
But not because I want to.
Oleg, come on, film the room.
奥列格 赶紧啊 拍下这产房
I want our baby to know that I was treated like a queen.
You know, I think Elton John had this room
when he gave birth.
I'm sorry, I lost y'all.
I feel asleep on a gurney and woke up in the morgue.
I scared the pants off a bunch of med students.
Ooh, there's my alarm.
I have to go have breakup phone sex with my ex, Randy.
Like you do.
Well, don't go very far 'cause
Oleg gets fainty in hospitals
and supermarkets that also sell clothing.
It's just too much.
Max, you and Randy have had more sex since your breakup
then I had with my college boyfriend.
Granted, he was very busy with musical theater.
The only time we had sex was when he was in his Cats' costume
and he asked me to give him a Rum Tum Tugger.
The rule is
you have sex five times before you're broken up.
And this is number five.
Historically, the biggest, sweatiest,
根据过往经验 最盛大 汗水淋漓
and the most buttcentric...
his, not mine.
Do not disturb.
It's facing the wrong way, and it's very disturbing.
Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up.
抱歉 我... 刚起床
Looks like you've been up for awhile.
Mind if I camp under that pup tent?
Can you go roast his marshmallows somewhere else?
Excuse me, there's a VVVIP patient coming in
who needs this room.
I don't care what kind of disease they have.
I'm not going.
Oh, my God.
That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito.
She's pretty and smart.
It's hard, right girl?
I... I paid for this room.
That giant bag of quarters? That's us!
Is my baby bump seriously getting bumped
by a poor man's me?
I'm so sorry.
I could send you a copy of my motherhood book if you'd like.
The lady I paid to write it did a great job.
Oh, wait... wait a minute, no... I'm not going anywhere.
等等 等等 不要 我哪都不去
No, wait a minute.
Wait, I'm not... no, I'm not going.
等等 我不要走 我不要
You can't make me. No, wait a minute.
Wait a min... oh, wait, wait, wait.
等等 等等 稍等一下
Oh, look, I'm getting a little arm workout here.
Sophie, the hospital is saying they bounced us from the room
because we took too long.
They're offering us a cot near the burn unit of the
ICU don't understand that I'm not having this baby
until I get back in my suite.
That's a hard "No," Chris.
Guess who just flirted her way into a free carpal tunnel glove?
Some girls flirt their way into a sugar daddy;
I get medical supplies.
And more good news...
Did you get me my room back?
No, those days are over.
We're hallway people now.
But I was able to print out flyers for our dessert bar.
I'd love to give them a rounded edge.
Do you have scissors?
Are you kidding me?
Of course I do. Look in my bag.
Sophie, they're offering us a fullsize bed,
but it's in an MRI machine.
I think we should take it.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
We have a ramp.
Excuse me, coming through. Coming through.
不好意思 借过 借过
Alister about to give birth.
Oh, my God.
Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales!
You know, I wear your perfume.
Nancy, you might have heard, dessert bar opening tonight.
南希 你可能有听说 甜品酒吧今晚开幕
Someone needs to control the hallway people.
That wasn't me, it was naughty nurse Wanda.
I was about to give Wanda a shot.
Well, she was gonna give it to herself,
but I was gonna tell her exactly how to do it.
Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital
a little on the nose?
I like to be on theme.
We can play pirate and lusty wench
when I'm in a Long John Silver's.
No, you won't because we're not allowed in there
for that very reason.
Plus, didn't you already have your fifth time?
You see, Caroline, breakup sex in LA is six times.
卡洛琳 是这样的 洛城的分手炮是次
It's the DeVitoPerlman rule.
Rhea forgot her yoga mat, and five limoncellos later,
The rest is history.
He's a lawyer so we have to listen to him.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
Sophie, any progress in your nethers?
Cause our dessert bar opens in five hours,
and it promises I'll be there on the flyer.
Dessert bar opening tonight. I'll be there.
Did you really have to refer to yourself as
New York's Own Caroline Channing"?
She's coming. Hallway people, clear a path.
她要出来了 走廊游民 闪开
because you're invited to our dessert bar opening.
You can bring the baby if you want,
but I wouldn't love it.
I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
I'm taking the suite back, girls.
Roll me in!
Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore.
How long can sushi be sitting out?
Ooh, not that long.
What about this one?
It promises on the flyer
that you'll be at the dessert bar opening too.
It's in smaller letters, but it's there.
Oh. I got here as fast as I could.
To take the baby out?
No, to see the model.
Um, she's gone.
She kept saying, "Where's Doctor Gomulka?"
No, no one's ever said that.
Well, since I'm already disappointed,
I guess I'll take a look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack
when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some
chocolateheavy trail mix and some Hubba Bubba.
Oh, and Oleg!
Turn the bag upside down and... oh.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say
it'll be at least five hours.
And that's how I lost my house.
Nurse, I need something to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I... wait, wait.
You're in luck.
you did great.
You're a mother.
Aw, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby!
And Oleg missed it.
Oh, and he had his heart set on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never gonna forgive himself!
He's never, never, never, never, never, never...
Please, Sophie, calm down.
别这样 苏菲 冷静
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to help you fake a birth?
You'll be fine. You've faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring
the baby in and make him think he just missed
a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming. Places.
Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me
paid for her Jujubes with a thirdparty check.
Oh, I'm in pain!
Oh, I'm about to have a baby
for the first time!
Okay. I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto and what I'm now realizing
was a laxative.
you stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there is some seriously birthy stuff going on down
Oh, should we get a doctor?
Even a girl one?
There's no time!
Because of all the oozing gunk!
Push, Sophie, push!
用力 苏菲 用力
You... you... you...
你 你 你个贱♥人
you did this to me
with your gorgeous penis!
We're both sorry!
Max, anything else disgusting going on down there?
Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's a lot of placenta goo.
I haven't been this woozy since I was in a Super
I'm not going down.
I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime!
Oh, girls, quick.
He's down. Get the baby!
Oh, my God. All right.
All right, now, to wake him up,
yell "Immigration" or tickle his...
What'd I miss?
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bejoonie, just like her mama.
She's beautiful, just like her mama.
Do you want to hold her?
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world
before you start giving her bad news.
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky!
Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it?
Depends what kind of music you listen to.
Aww, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite?
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm gonna teach you how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
Look at all those people at our door.
And not a torch in the mix.
Oh, Earl. Are you lost again?
The diner is next door!
Don't confuse him. He's our bouncer.
You're our bouncer!
Now, you don't really expect everybody on this list
to show up, now, do you?
Cause Liam Hemsworth and I are in a Twitter feud.
Okay, some of it may have been wishful thinking,
but I did text Chainz.
We met him on a private plane once.
I gave him my digits.
Uh, Chainz, is that a person or a dress code?
Earl, Chainz is a famous rapper.
Oh, my God, Chainz is here... ah!
I'm letting Chainz the famous rapper in before we open.
What's up, Double C?
She prefers to be called, "New York's Own Double C."
I can't believe you made it to our dessert bar.
I can't believe anybody knows what a dessert bar is.
Are you kidding?
Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand.
It's two great tastes that taste great together.
Like how I seamlessly fuse newschool and oldschool flows.
Well, now I get it.
Why didn't you just say that, girls?
Now, can I get one of those flantinis, please?
Look, sorry I didn't recognize you, Chainz.
I let my subscription to Vibe expire in .
Oh, that's okay.
I think they give discounts for return customers.
Well, well, well!
Look who opened up a bar
after I denied them a liquor license.
Well, well, well, look who decided
to wear ladies' pants hoping no one would notice.
J. Petto, what are you doing here?
How did you know we were opening?
I definitely didn't give you a flyer.
I follow Chainz on Twitter,
sometimes in my car.
Just so you know, I have on speed dial.
Our liquor license, sir.
Uh, this belongs to the Williamsburg Diner.
They're the same property. We own the diner.
like Alec and whoever the grossest Baldwin is.
You can't use another establishment's liquor license.
I'm shutting you two down
and I'm slapping the owner of the diner
with a $, fine.
Who is this bitch?
Just some mean, little man with
nothing better to do on a Friday night than ruin our lives.
Not true; I'm taking my aunt
to drag bingo right after this.
I managed to make it here after this dog fornicated
his way across Greenpoint.
My earnings after working jobs
and being robbed times.
Twice by the same girl.
You can have your diner back.
We feel bad about taking it from you,
and also the owner of the diner owes
old buttchin here and the city $,.
The diner is mine again?
I have my baby back.
You have baby everything.
I'm shutting you down for business days.
And you're getting a bill in the mail
with very confusing instructions.
I'm having my birthday here.
Let's bounce, Chainz.
So long, pal.
You're gonna have to find someone else to use as a chew toy.
Sorry about the bar, girls.
I mean, guess I'm gonna have to get me a bottle of rose
and head over to Mrs. Fields' again.
Does she have a sister?
Or a color TV?
See you later, girls.
It look like I'm gonna go party with the old man right here.
Can you guys just give us another minute?
Or business days?
The only thing that opened and closed faster than us
was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
不卖座电影《威士忌 探戈 狐步舞》了
Well, at least I didn't get a blow out for this.
That lessens the sting of a failed opening.
Are you kidding?
I think this is gonna make us more popular.
You know how people always want what they can't have.
Like you with everything.
If that's true, then why do you look upset?
Cause Randy and I are really broken up.
We burned through the AffleckGarner clause,
the CoxArquette addendum.
As soon as we got to the BieberGomez principle,
we were ashamed of ourselves.
Max, you're the queen of not following the rules.
Rules, schmules," You say.
And condoms, schmondoms.
Yeah, that one's not great.
What I'm saying is you make stuff up.
Like this dessert bar.
And that was a great idea.
So you should make up rules for you and Randy.
Cause it really seems like you guys care about each other.
Yeah, you're right.
Now, go call Randy
and make me want to burn my iPad.
Go, I'm begging you.
Yeah, we're gonna kill it
in business days.