Max, we're back.
Aw, that sucks.
This place didn't burn down while we were gone,
like I had hoped.
The night is young, and I have a Roman candle in my pocket.
Hi, welcome to the Williamsburg diner.
Table for two?
Don't be silly, Earl.
It's us, Max and Caroline.
And I'm Earl. smoking or nonsmoking?
Glad to have you back.
Max and Caroline!
You're back from your road trip.
And right on time for yesterday's shift.
We're also not working today.
Tomorrow's not great either.
Ugh, thank God you're back.
Besides Han, there hasn't been a girl in here in days, and...
除了阿憨之外 店里好久没有小妞了 而且...
she's not my type.
What is your type?
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
甲型 乙型 还是丙型肝炎啊
So what did you bring us?
Uh, you guys don't understand.
We got kicked off a riverboat,
almost crashed a plane,
and lost everything we own.
Honestly, it's a miracle we're alive.
Let's get to the dessert bar
so we can see the work they did.
Also so people don't think we're customers here.
I'm excited to see it too,
and now that Randy and I are really over,
I promise to give the dessert bar my full 5%.
Make it 6%.
I mean, what else am I gonna do, hmm?
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
We're not on a date with you.
We want to see the dessert bar.
but before you go in there,
do you want to see a cute picture
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
You didn't say it was in the bathtub.
Well, now that you're annoyed
and hopefully a little impressed...
I can tell you
I had to fire your contractor.
I thought I could do a better job.
I can't believe Oleg!
How the hell could he let a complete stranger...
Do such an amazing job?
Wait, we're still killing Oleg, though, right?
Cause the wheels are already in motion.
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
And the molding?
And the sconces?
I don't remember what an orgasm is like,
but I think I might be having one.
Baby Barbara thought you were dead.
Isn't that funny?
Not "Vince Vaughn doing drama" funny, but what is?
Wow, Barbara got so big while we were gone.
You got to give her a break, 'cause she got
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
By the way, Sophie, thank you for watching our horse
对了 苏菲 谢谢你在我们不在时
while we were gone.
He's my favorite roommate.
Aww, well, you know what,
that's what friends are for.
And I'm sure you would do the same for me
if I needed a favor.
Of course we would. Good, 'cause I need a favor.
当然会啦 太好了 因为我需要帮忙
I joined this mommy support group, you know,
to make sure that I'm holding the baby up right,
or you know,
that I don't get too jealous
when people compliment her.
The standard mom stuff.
So what's the favor?
I'll do anything up to a Class B felony.
I still have one strike left.
B级重罪仅比A级低 属于较严重罪刑 三振出
Well, I'm hosting,
and there are gonna be a lot of sloppy babies there,
so I'm looking for a real dump.
Can I use your place?
Sophie, I don't think
Thank you, girls.
Yeah, you're the best,
no matter what baby Barbara tells her friends.
I thought Barbara liked me.
I'm gonna text her.
Oh, hey. I'm Bobby.
I did the work on your bar.
You must be Max and Caroline.
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
I mean Yeah, let's just move past it.
Uh, we're who you said.
Well, I hope you like it.
The only guidance I got was from your friend Oleg,
who just kept saying "Sluttier."
And then he showed me a picture of him in the bathtub.
You did an amazing job.
I mean, what you did with those knobs.
Looks like you want to polish his brass.
And how do you like the satin on the sconces?
Oh, my God.
My knees are wiggling.
You like that?
And the finish on the molding? Oh, love it!
I think she's about to finish on the molding.
You're the only man who knew what I wanted
without me having to tell him three times
and then give up.
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
Bobby, you did it again."
In case you missed it, I'm the boss.
See, 'cause he's the boss,
so he was telling himself.
It's too many levels for her.
Hey, um, listen, I should probably get going,
but if you need anything else,
you can call me.
Or my boss. Anytime.
Well, I might just have to call you both.
Unless you're gonna say "mein" after that,
I don't know what you're talking about.
He's really cute.
Oh, you think so?
You were playing it pretty cool, Maroline.
Oh, don't worry,
you can ruin everything in here.
I don't care.
I just scrubbed the couch.
How much longer do we have to stay in here?
Caroline's talking about a third grade field trip.
I got lost in Toronto.
Girls, ignore them.
Uh, so where are your babies?
Out parking the car?
See, I don't let Barbara drive yet.
We don't bring 'em to the meetings.
They ruin everything.
Starting with our vaginas.
my husband ruined mine on my first date.
Seewell, see, I thought
是 是这样的 我本以为
that a mother's group, you know, you
you talk about your babies.
Wouldn't they love that?
No, this is for us to
to trade pills and get trashed
and fantasize about Gone Girling our husbands.
Oh, my God, I'm doing everything wrong.
Yeah, just like the ' Olympics all over again.
What's up, sluts?
Ugh, there's a baby here?
If I weren't already stoned,
I'd drive somewhere else.
I thought we were gonna compare notes on bedtimes
and how asleep a baby has to be
to have sex in front of it.
You have sex with your trainer too?
Seeing what you girls did to the dessert bar
inspired me to make some improvements around here.
Don't tell me you found a way
to unstick the menus from the tables.
Whoa, one step at a time.
I did give this place more of a facelift
than Brad Pitt in preparation for the movie Allied.
Yeah, Han, this place looks exactly the same.
My suicide note is still scrawled on the wall.
Yeah, it looks like the same old post office to me.
It's not a freakin' post office!
Max, we should really get over to the dessert bar.
Bobby's on his way to look at those gorgeous sconces
I am very unhappy with.
Why do you have to use the dessert bar
as an excuse to see him?
If you like him, why don't you just say,
Hey, you're cute. Want to see my horse?"
Because a lady waits for a gentleman
to ask to see her horse.
I don't know what ladies you're hanging out with.
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
Let me just change into something
a little more comfortable.
Why are you making this so complicated?
Why don't you just say, "Let's get drinks
to make the sex less awkward?"
Or you could do that.
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot you were stopping by.
你好啊 鲍比 我忘了你会来
She thought she was hosting Wheel of Fortune in here.
I'd buy a vowel from her.
AWell, it would be two As.
oh, uh, what did you want to show me?
Apparently a little side boob.
I noticed that if I put
all the force of my body against it,
it moves a little.
I must have jammed it into place
while I was testing its virility.
I mean, stability.
See? Told you it was loose.
I guess I have stick around as long as it takes
until it's fixed.
Oh, good, because I wouldn't feel safe
pulling aggressively on anything until you do.
We got to get to the hospital.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Bobby caught me.
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
I just got a call saying Randy was in an accident in Manhattan.
He must have been coming to see me.
Just when I thought it was over,
he ropes me back in with a lifethreatening emergency.
How bad is he?
Because these sconces
won't be able to wear this dress again tomorrow.
All I know is that it's serious, and they called me
cause I'm the emergency contact on his phone.
Okay. I'll be back as fast as I can.
I'll work as slow as I can.
I won't tell your boss... 'cause he's the
I get it. Let's go.
Oh, he's still alive.
Oh, thank God his face isn't hurt.
Andone, two, three, four, five, six.
Yep, they're all there.
Why is his shirt always off?
He's like Kirsten Dunst in a dramatic role.
Well, I had to take his shirt off, because
well, 'cause you know, he broke his leg.
This is a private room.
You ladies can't be in here.
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
I'll take the rest of his clothing off from here.
And can you get me a straw
so we can share this morphine drip mai tai style?
You girls have two minutes,
and remember, this is a hospital,
so no messing around.
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
Great, now he's edible.
Oh, my God, Max.
This is very An Affair to Remember.
I'm more of a Quickie to Forget kind of girl.
No, that Randy came all the way to New York to see you
and then got into a tragic accident
and now here you are at his bedside.
Max, I don't want to get ahead of myself,
but we might both have boyfriends.
Double date dance?
What are you doing here?
Where's my shirt?
When did Caroline start hosting Wheel of Fortune?
Ah, that's what I said!
Um, I got the call that you were hurt,
so I came right over,
and as for your shirt,
I think the nurses are making a pillow husband out of it.
Hi, Randy, sorry you broke your leg,
but great news.
I like someone.
Oh, that's right.
You're still my emergency contact.
I never switched it back to my trainer.
What happened? Was it a runaway hot dog cart?
Because that is my worst nightmare...
besides having my credit card declined at Kohl's.
But I lived through it.
I got hit by a cab on my way to JFK.
You mean you got hit by a cab
on your way from JFK.
You were in New York to see me, right?
Track me down, beg me to take you back,
pull my hair a little?
No, I wasI was leaving.
Leaving? But you hadn't
Do you know what?
The accident must have given him that "Toandfromlexia."
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
Time's up, ladies. Patient needs a sponge bath.
时间到 姑娘们 病人需要海棉擦浴了
He's got coconut oil all over him.
Hey, Max, wait.
She just got here. Didn't she?
Told ya. He's got that "Comeandgoheimers."
Whoopi writes all about it in her book.
It's very hard to follow.
Max, these are like pajamas
for couples who don't care anymore.
Speak for yourself.
These puppies care a lot.
Oh, good, they're all gone.
They left me zero room to sign his cast.
I want to get back to the dessert bar
while Bobby's still there
and possibly working up a little sweat.
Go ahead. I'll punch you out.
But if you keep leaving early,
they're gonna make you work Christmas.
Nurse, we need all hands on deck.
We've got a in here,
and he's a squirter.
Youyou're up, girl. I had the last one.
你去吧 妹子 我刚忙完上一个
Dear Randy, Nice ass.
Well, that is good.
I didn't wake you, did I?
But now that you're up, why are you in New York?
You said you were on your way to the airport
when you got hurt?
So you weren't here to see me.
No, I was trying not to see you.
You broke up with me.
That time over the phone?
You took that seriously? That's insane.
The "This is a cry for attention" was implied.
What I heard was, "This isn't enough for me,"
and since we can't make it work, it justit's
it's too hard for me to see you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard what you said on the movie set.
How'd you hear what I said on set?
I was a zombie extra.
That was you.
Everyone said I was crazy because I thought
I saw you and Caroline on set.
My therapist put me on antidepressants.
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
cause it really was me hanging there.
Max, that's crazy.
Why didn't you say something when you saw me?
Because you said you were in a good place
and you want to move on, blah, blah, blah.
And I don't want to hurt you anymore.
But now I want to break your other leg.
Max, look at us.
I ran to the airport and got hit by a cab
trying to get out of here
because I was tempted to see you.
And you broke into a hospital not to steal drugs.
Maybe this relationship is bad for us.
There's just so much squirt!
Definitely for Caroline.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
Then let's stop being crazy.
Move to LA.
You know, six years ago,
I would've done that in a heartbeat.
I would've thrown my bubblegum cigs
and my nunchucks in a Safeway bag
and been your lady.
But it's different now. I'm different.
I care about something,
and I have people who count on me.
I've built a life here.
Max, you know I can't leave my firm in LA.
So what happens now?
I think we kiss goodbye.
Hmm, I think that might set us back.
I mean, you're already in a bed,
and these pants come off real easy.
I think you know that.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
How about a hug?
You really trust yourself against the girls?
Not even remotely.
How about a handshake?
There's nothing less sexual.
Okay, but two pumps and we're out.
I can't not make it sexual.
You smell nice.
I've got a lot of jerky in my pocket.
Good news is,
I saved a man's life.
Bad news is,
I left a ring inside him.
Here's your flantini
and a side of a bottle of tequila.
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
but then I had to go with Max to see Randy,
and I got squirted on,
and I didn't get back in time to see him
and possibly missed a chance at a lifetime of happiness.
Too much talking from the waitress.
are all of the daddies still in the picture?
Cause I can't shimmy down a fire escape
like I used to.
That's so funny.
If my doorman drops out of the rotation,
I'll give you a call.
Uh, let me give you my beeper number.
I'm really having a blast with my mom friends.
Do you have an aspirin, or a sledgehammer?
Why do you want to hang out with these ladies?
One of them tried to trip me.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, II was trying to impress them.
Sophie, I wished my mom cared enough about me
to curl my baby eyelashes
like you do for Barbara.
Or just to intervene
when a neighborhood dog took me away.
your text wasn't clear.
Should Barbara wear the leopard onesie with the jean hat
or the jean onesie with the leopard hat?
Also, I can't find any of her toe rings.
Sophie, are you secretly caring for your baby
while we're having mom's group?
You know what? Fine.
Fine, I love my kid.
Well, why don't you marry her?
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
and a good mom doesn't marry her baby!
At least not in this country.
Let's go, baby.
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave her some cat
Why don't we go try those in the Target parking lot?
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
so I can get the good cat tranqs.
You know they didn't pay, right?
Hey, uh...sorry to barge in,
but I can't stop thinking about
Uh, well, that table is really unsteady.
If my boss knew,
I'd be furious.
I know, right?
I thought it was just me,
but I mean, look at it, I
You can't think of anything else that needs to be fixed?
No, and it's really annoying.
You know what else is annoying?
You two not jammin'.
You like each other. What's the problem?
So you like me? Yeah.
Okay, so I should call Yes.
好 那我应该打给... 对
Good, 'cause I was this close to calling my cousins
to come in and tear this place apart.
I'm gonna call you. Ciao mein.
我会打给你的 再会 炒面
Wow, look at you.
I'm gonna have to put the brakes on that
I'm sorry I'm happy when you're not happy.
I am happy...
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it,
but why don't you just go to LA to be with Randy?
I can't go to LA.
I mean, there's too much stuff here
they don't have there, like...
the Statue of Liberty.
You know she's my girl.
You never want to go.
And she invited us when she said,
Bring us your poor."
Give me your tired, your poor"
Plus, where would I find weed in California?
I mean, the list goes on and on.
I wouldn't leave you either.