Max, I can't wait to go home
and illegally download that documentary about performance art.
And I can't wait to go home and watch
Here comes Honey Boo Boo.
But first you have to see this.
Her name is Marina Abramovic.
In the 90's she and her boyfriend did this piece called "Confrontation"
where they just slapped each other's faces for days.
My mom and her boyfriend did that too,
but they called it, "Who smoked the last cigarette."
No,really,it was pure art. She's a genius.
不是那样啦 那是纯艺术 她很有才的
How about you and I do a little art right now?
What are they doing?
I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades Of Grey.
That's for suggesting we make a lip synch video
to Call Me Maybe.
What's up,my man? You look pretty down.
怎么了 伙计 你看起来很抑郁啊
My mother in Korea is working my last nerve.
My last nerve, you know, Earl?
I don't expect a back and forth here.
Uh, Max,do you wanna move in?
Han, you can't let your moy keep bullying you.
Stand up to her. You're a 53 year old man.
Max, I am 29.
I am 29.
What do you got, a case of the benjamin buttons?
Caroline,Han says he's 29.
Han are you sure?
Yes, what makes you think I'm older?
Well, everything your hair, your clothes,
所有的一切啊 你的发型 衣服
The $5 check you gave me for my birthday.
Hi,can I help you? Ooh,that sounded so sincere.
你好 有啥要帮忙的吗 听起来真是真诚
Well,when you're in my section, you'll meet the real me.
I have one question.
Do you want live?
Actually,today,I can go either way.
其实 今天 活不活都行吧
Go aroun the dinner,and have everyone fill it
with the contents of their purse.
And if you do,nobody gets hurt.
Okay,okay,okay,but,uh,I don't know
好的 好的 但我不知道
how much you're gonna collect here.
I mean,most of the customers pay with coins
or fresh tomatoes from their garden.
Uh, Earl, listen up.
We're being robbed by that man in the suit,
And he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.
Uh, Max,I've been on both sides of this situation.
And the best thing to do is play along.
Okay, caroline,I'm gonna tell you something,
好的 卡洛琳 我要告诉你一件事
and I don't want you to react.
I knew you were gonna get pregnant.Damn it!
Alright,fine. We'll get through this together.
Look, we're being robbed,
and that guy in the suit might have a gun.
No, no just do what I say,and stay calm.
不要叫 按我说的做 保持冷静
I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.
I can't believe this is happening
Just when I saved $2.
Max, I can't die.
I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.
I mean,it looks good on you.
Are you having a art tack?
What do you mean?
I'm really freaked out,and I'm peeing.
I can't stop! Just stop, stop!
停不住了 停住 停住
Clench it. Okay.
Step out from behind the counter.
Sorry, sir, I can't.
抱歉 先生 我不行
Why? Well,um,I'm peeing.
Out of the way, girls.
I'll take down this
Get away from him.
Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now
Before I uh,please take her,not me.
不然我就 带走她吧 不要带我
Han, we're being robbed. So sorry
韩 我们遭抢劫了 太抱歉了
Please take erything that is in my manny pack
Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out?
They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of
I don't think so, homeboy.
You're in my house now,bitch.
Here's what left in the bag.
Nope, sorry. I don't see your dignity.
Isn't it enough that I'm wearing dishwasher whites
that have been around since the invention of b.O.?
Oh, look at that, something ate right through the swiffer,
and I don't think it was the bleach.
How will you ever live with the shame?
Can you believe that is the man who saved us?
Yeah, I did not see a gun coming.
I saw nunchucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hairpulling,
我看见了双节棍 忍者烟 抓头发
But not a gun.
Well, good night, ladies.
I thought we all acted very brave tonight
Well, some of us.
Oh, yeah, I had a trauma, and I urinated
Ha, ha! That's hilarious.
Yeah, you might need some counseling.
I could drop you off at a therapist on the way to my
I was a human shield support group.
Am I ever gonna live this down?
It happened, like, ten minutes ago.
Okay, let's move on.
Oh, look, someone left a coupon for free movie popcorn.
Oh, I'd love to escape to a movie after my
Well, I'd just love to escape.
How much are movies now, like 200 bucks?
Unless you go with me, in which case, it is free.
I'll take you tomorrow.
I've been sneaking into theaters since I was two.
I crawled into the little mermaid
with a sack full of cheerios
and a baby bottle full of diet coke.
You know, chestnut, the only thing that got me through that robbery was you.
I kept thinking, "who will take care of you?"
Because you n't count on blondie selfish pants
who used me as a human shield and then peed herself.
Do not tell chestnut I peed myself.
He's the only one from my circle who still talks to me.
As I was saying, chestnut, I would have taken a bullet
我想说啊 栗宝 我是愿意替她挡枪子
for her, but she put herself first,
and that's okay. It's fine.
Max, I'm surprised you're even affected by this.
I mean, weren't you shot as a baby?
I feel like you told me that.
No, I told you I drank shots as a baby.
My mother hated to drink alone.
Okay,what free movie should we see?
Maybe something with a Fanning in it?
I'll see anything unless it's in 3 D.
I mean,if something's gonna be flying at my face,
I'd better get a free prime rib out of it.
So what do we do,Max? What do we do?
我们要怎么做 麦克斯 怎么做
Hide in the back alley till the coast is clear,
and when the door opens, make a break for it?
No,'cause it's not the 1940s.
We just go right up in the usher's face,
make an excuse,and then boldly walk with purpose.
Okay,well, just show me how.
You can direct me. I've done a lot of plays.
I could do my "Eliza Doolittle"
before she was civilized" walk.
Wow,that was just ugly. I wish I hadn't seen it.
All right, just watch me.
Walk,walk,walk,hair flip, walk,walk.
走走走 甩头发 走
Walk,walk,walk,hair flip, walk,walk.
走走走 甩头发 走
Good,but easy on the hair
Oh,I heard what happened.
Max,you got pushed in front of a gun.
You must be very pissed.
Caroline, oh,what a nice outfit.
On a scale of one to ten, you're an eight.
you're an eight
Get it? Urinate.
How do you even know what happened?
Oh,well,Oleg told me
when we were upstairs playing "hide the penis,"
and we laughed so hard, we almost peed ourselves,
but we didn't because we're not you.
Actually,we're going to a movie.
Oh,well, that's nice.
I hope you're gonna wear your big girl pants.
Max. What? It's silly and funny.
麦克斯 怎么了 多好笑啊
She's like a Polish fart cushion.
Look,if it makes you feel any better,
there can't be any pee jokes left.
What are you seeing,
something rated "pee pee 13"?
Fart cushions are funny.
There's the guy. I'm getting a little nervous.
I'm starting to sweat like those people
注释：“锁定海外" 电视节目 真实版的午夜惊魂
on Locked Up Abroad. I don't know why.
I haven't swallowed a heroin balloon.
Pretend we're out of breath.
Out of breath, not out of your mind.
Can we just run back into the theater for a second?
I left my iPhone in there, and the prescription for her anti seizure medication's on it.
Yeah,which theater were you in?
Theatre five. Went to the 11:15.
Got out at 1:20. A little long.
Could've cut ten from it.
We'll be back.
Wow, your walk with purpose is getting
Almost as impressive as han's "bang, bang,
You're in my house now, bitch!"
I know. What about han?
Before yesterday, we thought he was 53 and unarmed.
Guess we learn something new about people every day.
yeah, like having to learn
That when you get nervous, I'm disposable.
That was very uncharacteristic of me.
Hi, um, hallelujah.
Cool name, by the way.
How are you doing today, hallelujah?
They wouldn't let me put an exclamation point
On my name tag.
Um, is there any way you could make
A fresh batch of popcorn?
I could, but it takes ten minutes,
And your show starts in two.
Actually, it takes 3 1/2,
And I can miss a few trailers.
I used to work at a cineplex five.
Oh, so now you just know everything about life?
Come on, the opening scene sets up
Where he gets his superpowers from.
Hey, hallelujah here is doing the best he can.
I mean, based on his name,
His parents clearly had bigger dreams for him,
And it is not his fault you guys showed up two minutes
Before the show starts.
Maybe next time, you'll show up ten minutes early
Without the attitude and the fidgety exhaling.
You think hallelujah doesn't hear that?
He does. Sorry to be such a problem.
We'll just take whatever you've got ready.
No, girl. I got you.
不 姐们 我挺你
I'm gonna make you a fresh batch.
Hallelujah, could I have some fresh too?
You'll get the burnt ones and like it, nerd.
Let's sit down here.
Ooh, I'm not sticking to the floor yet.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hope I wasn't too hard on you out there.
Thanks. I had it in my backpack.
I wasn't sure.
You made the right choice.
She likes my cape.
Technically, she likes your sister's cape.
Okay, so I don't know anything about these superhero movies.
It's a remake of a prequel to a sequel?
I'm already confused.
So there's always a nerdy guy...
And he's either been wronged or bitten
Or exposed to something toxic.
It gives him superpowers.
He's in love with a pretty girl who his rival tries to kill
But then won't because they have
To make another movie.
Also, partial nudity,
Product placement, dope explosions,
And a killer score by hans zimmer.
Okay, your knowledge of these superhero movies
Is kind of turning me on right now.
Wait. Are you kidding me?
The hero has red hair as a child?
Um, weird, 'cause when he grows up,
He has black hair.
Was there some sort of chemical spill,
Which, by the way, wasn't in the original comic book!
What am I, dumb?
Okay, come on.
Come on, let's go to another movie.
What are you talking about?
Well, you obviously hate this.
You're yelling at the screen.
Yelling at the screen is the best part of going to the movies,
and more white people should learn that.
oh, wow, look at that.
That car just exploded in front of those two girls,
And one didn't use the other's body
To block her from the flying debris.
Are you ever gonna let this go?
I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big deal.
You put my life in danger.
Well, I've apologized about it twice.
I don't know how much more I can do.
Yeah, I could have died,
But you apologized twice, so I guess we're good.
I don't like this movie.
It's violence against women.
Let's go see that katherine heigl rom com sequel.
Talk about violence against women.
I am gonna go spend some time with katie heigl.
At least she won't make me feel guilty.
Enjoy three walking on sunshine montages.
I don't wanna go to a movie by myself, and you're right.
I'm sorry. I hate the way I acted.
I'm a spoiled rich girl, and I always put myself first,
And I know that's something you would never do.
Max, I think I just saw han.
It is han. What's he doing here?
Why is he sitting all the way in the back?
I don't know, maybe he's afraid
Of blocking absolutely no one's view.
And who is that guy and girl he's sitting with?
Is han in a threesome?
Does he secretly have game?
Please. The only game han has
Is "one, two, buckle my shoe."
Wait, he's leaving,
And so is the guy he was sitting next to.
Did han just get more interesting?
We have to follow him.
he can blast a wall apart with his thoughts,
But he can't get out of handcuffs?
Even I could get out of handcuffs!
Have fun being lied to.
You're right. You're always right.
Are you seeing anyone?
That was hard to watch.
Why is he going to the bathroom with that stranger?
Is han also a republican senator?
Are all men's rooms this depressing?
We are such different people.
I was just gonna say how nice it is.
I don't hear sex sounds,
And he's not on the changing table,
So maybe drugs are involved.
You think han's an asian drug dealer?
What's he selling,crystal math?
Oh, look.Han's coming.
Aw, gross! No, no!
天啊 太恶心了 不
I meant he's coming this way.
Hey, you're running.Don't run, it's han.
你在跑 别跑了 那可是韩啊
For him, every step we take is like a 100 meter dash.
Sorry, you're the one who doesn't want han to see us.
抱歉 是你不想让韩看到咱的 好吧
I just don't want that kind of relationship with him.
You mean the kind of relationship
Where you see someone you know
At the movie theater and say hello?
Yeah, I definitely don't want that.
Ladies, may I see your tickets, please?
Tickets? Max, do you
票 麦克斯 你买...
Can I see your tickets, please?
I saw you go into another theater.
Honey,I forgot my ticket.
He has my ticket.
Han, this nice usher man thinks I snuck
Into the theater,so just show him the tickets.
You two are together?
Yeah, why? Oh, it's nothing.
是啊 怎么了 没事
It's none of my business,
But he just seems too old for you.
He's 29. What?
Uh, I'm gonna have to see you
And your girlfriend's ticket.
Uh, I thought I put the ticket in here.
Tickets. You put two tickets in there, honey.
那两张票 你放了两张票在那儿 亲爱的
I cannot find it.Damn.
Sir, you know that sneaking into a theater's
A felony, right?
Han, what's that face?
It's the same face I made when I peed
How will I live with the shame?
Well, at least your fanny pack
Isn't the most embarrassing thing about you anymore.
Well, well, well,look who it is.
Hair flip and go.
I don't know what you're doing, but it feels weird.
Now, look who's walk,walk, walking with purpose
Away from me again.
What?It wasn't a big deal.
Really? 'cause I went to movie jail with han.
Cool. We have a mug shot.
We're a notorious gangster couple now
Down at the cineplex.
That's right,han nie and clyde,
But you know what,I'm fine.
I'm thrilled, actually,because you walking away
事实上 我非常高兴 你走了
Gave me one thing.
An obstructed view of my sweet, sweet ass?
No, the satisfaction of knowing
That you are just as selfish as me.
what a selfish thing to say.
you can walk,walk, walk away from me, max,
麦克斯 你可以就那样走啊走啊 丢下我
But you can't walk away from knowing
That you split the scene.
What? I thought you were behind me,
And besides, we couldn't both get caught.
Who would live to tell the tale
Of the great caroline channing,the girl
Who couldn't walk fast enough?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.Don't turn this around.
Now, I see it,the whole "max" of it all.
现在 我看清楚了 真实的麦克斯
When we got caught,you only thought
About saving yourself,
And you weren't defending poor hallelujah.
You just wanted fresh popcorn for yourself.
What can I say?I guess you're on to me.
You said you'd take a bullet for me.
You'd never take a bullet for me.
Probably not.No one ever takes a bullet.
It's just something people say that they don't mean,
Like, "how was your day?"
Or, "we'll stop if it hurts."
Wow, so this is who we are, huh?
Two selfish girls who always put ourselves
Before everyone else and are willing
To do anything to survive?
Guess we are.
Man, we're gonna crush the cupcake competition.
But, max,even though we're ruthless,
Every now and then,on our own behalf,
We do put ourselves second,
And I guess that's what makes us best friends.
I don't think I've ever done that.
Yes, you have.
You let me stay on your couch
When I had no place to stay.
I guess I did.
And I gave you
Well, there must be something where I didn't put
let me know when you find it.
Sophie,just look at you.
You couldn't look more scrumptious.
Oh,maybe I could
With a little chocolate drizzled on me.
Oh, good,there you are, han.
太好了 你在这啊 韩
I just have one question that I have to ask you.
What is your favorite musical?
Is it the wiz?
Whiz, max!I found another one, right?
撒尿 麦克斯 我又找到一个和尿尿的笑话
How do you even know about this?
Oh, oleg told me while we were having phone sex.
And by phone sex, she means we were using the phone
In the sex.
Don't worry, han.
A lot of older men can't control their bladder.
I am twenty freaking nine!
I'm humiliated, max.
Hey, listen to me.
You didn't sell caroline out.
A lot of people would have,
But you just stood there like a man
And peed your pants.
That's true.I did.
By the way, han,why were you
At the movies in the middle of the day?
Sometimes people bug me,
And I need some time away.
You know what, han?
We're gonna hang sometime.
Not now,not in a week,
But in the future.
Just sayin',I got my eye on you.