Eveningladies. Gals' night out?
Chasing guyseating piehaving fun.
This table is sticky! Run a damp rag across it!
Would it kill you to clean a little?
What kinda place is this?
The kind that serves soup cold.
And what's with your crazy earrings?
What are yousome kinda gypsy?
Okay. Whoa! Hold upladies.
You don't get a bitch pass just 'cause you're old.
Yesthat's right. I said it.
You come in here with your gangster granny attitude,
think you can get away with
dumping all over the lowly gypsy waitress.
At this dinerwe don't discriminate due to age.
If you're gonna act like an ass,
I'm gonna treat you like an ass...
No matter how close that ass is riding to the floor.
NowI'll wipe off the table we'll take it from the top.
HiI'm Max. Who wants tapioca?
That's more like it.
Save the disappointment for the grandkids.
EarlI need another book of checks.
The last one fell between the refrigerator and the oven.
I'd reach for itbut that falls between
"I don't do that" and "ohhell no."
Men and women in suits.
This neighborhood is definitely on the rise.
I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here.
And that time was Wednesday.
MaxI was just talking to the smart couples in booth two.
I know they're smart because they're the first people in here
who ever ordered the croque monsieur as croque monsieur
and not "crock monster."
They wanna meet the woman who made the cupcakes.
I told them you'd be right over.
Go! They're so nice. Nothey're not nice.
They're trendyblood-sucking locusts
who come into this neighborhood to pillage and destroy
everything I care about.
I felt the same way when the Hilton sisters
crashed my 21st birthday.
You made these cupcakes?
Yeahwhat's the problem?
Spit it outI've got a life.
We just wanted to tell you that your flavor palate is...
I don't know who you are or where you came from--
Neither do I.
But these are fabulous.
Wellwelcome to the neighborhood.
I knew I liked you guys.
So what did the trendy locusts want?
You are so judgmentalyou know that?
They wanted to tell me the cupcakes are "fabulous."
Maybe now you'll finally start to get it
if someone besides me tells you how good they are.
I believe the word was "fabulous."
Olegfrom now onyou may call me
Countess Max of the fabulous cupcakes.
And you may call me Sir Oleg of the amazing party in my pants.
Carolinethe happyshiny people in suits
asked me to give you this note.
Ohwhat a great idea!
They suggested we sell Max's cupcakes
at the cool new coffee place in their building.
But you already sell cupcakes here in my diner.
Hanwe're building a cupcake business
that will one day get us out of here.
That's what we're trying to do with our lives.
But I thought we had something special.
Yesbut we're not exclusive.
The diner's cutebut I want more than this.
First girlfriend all over again.
Max has the tables against the wall.
Ohwe're good in your section.
CarolineI want you to meet my buddy Carlos.
WellI'm working the counter.
What's happenin'? Come ondude.
You have a literature degree from NYU.
I didn't mean to say thatbut when I get nervous,
my Rico Suave comes out.
It won't happen again.
And here's two menus.
HeyguysI'm in that section over there.
Ohwe're good in Caroline's area.
Wellif you like hot coffee in your pants area,
you're in the right place.
ActuallyI like that.
Coming right at you.
Johnny's in your section.
He comes in here every night to see you.
He's your friends or...crush or whatever he is.
Shh! He's not a crush. He's a...
I don't know what he isbut whatever he is,
he's in your section.
Max! Ooh! What are you doing?
You're not supposed to be in here.
I knowI'm a bad boy.
Lookthe reason I'm not sitting in your section
is because my buddy Carlos is crushing pretty hard on Caroline
and he asked me to do what I can to hook them up.
Oh. So now you're a bartender,
a street artistand a pimp.
Ain't nuttin' wrong with me pimpin' some boy on the side.
Keeps me in spray paint and whatnot.
From pimp to pimp...
Help me out with your girl.
My girl don't come cheap.
Is it hot in here?
Yesand we're in a freezer.
Yes. My freezer.
I wasuhjust talking to Max.
UmI'll see you out there.
So is this what you like in the man? What?
No. He's just a customer that went rogue.
He is weak and girlish.
A woman like you needs a real man.
You know what they say.
Once you go Ukraineyou will scream with sex pain.
That probably lost some of its sensual appeal in the translation,
but thanks for the offerOleg.
Besideshe's not my type.
Just say it.
You're not interested in him because he's Puerto Rican.
Where did you get this idea that I would only date white guys?
For your informationI've dated all kinds of men.
I once had a Spaniard in Monte Carlo.
Isn't the title of an Abba song?
Are you sure about this? He's cute.
And trust meyou could use a little salsa on your white rice.
MaxI just lost every dollar I had.
The last thing on my mind right now is guys--
any type of guy.
Except this guy.
I'm much more concerned with our business
and getting my head back above water.
Men will come sooner or later.
Wellaccording to my research most men come sooner.
根据我的"调查" 男人只会早"来" 不会晚泄
OhI thought we should stop by that new coffee place tomorrow
and introduce ourselves and your cupcakes.
I'm not gonna walk in there. I feel like I'm selling out.
Okaylet's reframe the phrase selling out
and make it sold outas in
"Maxwe sold out of the cupcakes"
and are now successful."
What's that you say?
I can now afford to buy the wax dental floss again?
But I'm only doing it so you'll eventually
get your mind off the business and get laid.
Why do you think I need to get laid so badly?
If I'd just gone through all the tension and trauma that just happened to you,
I'd be climbing telephone poles to take the edge off.
Trust mesex is the last thing on my mind right now.
Ohand speaking of reframing things,
I have a surprise.
I redecorated my room.
I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places
down on Houston Street.
What do you think?
I think you've made a vagina.
Sisteryou may think that sex is the last thing on your mind,
but you turned your bed into a vagina.
Do you think my vagina has curtains?
I don't know how long it's been.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Okaybut I still have to make the cupcakes
好吧，但是我得做明天to bring by that place tomorrow.
I don't wanna keep you awake
so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight
and I'll pass out on your vagina?
Okaybut you better buy me breakfast in the morning.
More like poseurs in their 20s.
Manthey've really cleaned this place up.
You've been here before?
Yeahit used to be a liquor store
owned by this old Irish guy
who had freckles on his penis.
Sometimes he'd corner you and flash it,
but then he'd always comp you a free lotto ticket.
Okaywelllet's try and keep that sort of charming nostalgia
out of our sales pitch.
Oh that's the owner.
I scoped it out before you got here.
And remember I'll do the talking.
Why don't I get to talk?
And besides I have more experience.
All those who pitched business models to Warren Buffett as a member of
the Phillips Exeter Entrepreneurs Club raise their hands.
Wellif you care enough to raise your arms about it,
fine. You talk. I won't say anything.
Hiwhat can I get for you?
HiI'm Caroline and this is my business partner Max.
And you are? Semhar.
Ohjeez. Such a pretty name.
It means "light of the tiger" in Sanskrit.
It's my yoga name.
WellSemharwe just opened a local neighborhood cupcake company.
We're introducing our exciting product
我们来把自家的拳头产品to local boulangeries.
Please try a sample. Max.
Would you like coconut-coffeechocolate-curry,
or blueberry-lemon zest?
My absolute fave is the coconut-coffee.
Let's start with thatshall we?
Thank youbut no thank you.
Wellcan I ask you why?
They're not pretty enough.
They're not pretty enough.
Perhaps if you tried one,
you'd see how amazing our flavor palate is.
Hold offFlavour Flav.
What do you meanthey're not pretty enough?
They have a charming homemade look,
but my customer would prefer a more upscaleprettier product.
Just FYIsome upscale residents
in this very upscale building
where your upscale store actually is located
recently told us they were fabulous.
But they're not pretty enough.
This is WilliamsburgBrooklyn,
and no amount of exposed brick and paint can change the fact that,
right where you're standing,
I've seen tommy O'Hanlon's wing-wang
more times than I care to remember.
And I must sayit was way less offensive than your attitude.
And you can shove that up your upscale.
No cupcakes tonight?
Nothey're bugging me. I decided to take the night off.
Be careful with decisions like that.
In 1987I took a night off from EarthWindand Fire
and the next daythey earthwindand fired my ass.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Mid-afternoon nap in your vagina?
I wish! No.
I went to a cheap bakery supply store in Greenpoint
and got us some supplies.
It's the basic cake decorating kit.
And best of all I found us a funreasonable
two-session cupcake decorating class at a bakery.
We can learn how to make pretty roses.
The cupcakes don't need to be pretty.
They compensate by having a great sense of humor.
Pretty cupcakes is just another option for our business.
People want prettywe do pretty.
Or people want homemadewe do--
Waitwhere is our homemade?
I didn't make any tonight.
You didn't make any?
Whatyou get one piece of constructive criticism
and you stop making them?
And maybe Semhar has a point about making them pretty.
First of allwhat does she know about pretty?
The woman has dreadlocks.
Her head looks like the stuff
you empty out of a vacuum cleaner bag.
What's happening with you?
What's your problem with pretty?
Don't wave your divas live hand at me.
I just think society's way too concerned
with other people's idea of what's pretty.
You don't think you can do it.
That's what this is about.
This isn't about society.
You're afraid you can't do pretty.
LookI don't do pretty
the way you don't do Puerto Ricans.
What are you talking about?
I'll do Puerto Ricans.
Then go do one and leave me alone.
Maxit's a skill. That's all.
It's not shameful to not know how to do something.
Didn't you have piano lessons growing up?
Closest I've come to blades on ice
was when a pregnant girl pulled a knife on me
at a hockey game.
Lookyou and I have a business,
and this is a skill we need.
We're going to that class
and we are gonna master how to make pretty roses.
And I know how much you hate anything trendy,
so I found us a family-owned Italian bakery in Brooklyn.
Maybe they'll know how to dump the body
after I kill you.
First of allwelcome to Spice and Sugar.
We did a little twist on the traditional sugar and spice
putting spice first because...
And we always got the spice up front
and a little in the rear.
Now are you embarrassed you ever said holla?
My name is Stephanieand this is my cousin Serena,
and this bakery has been in our family for years
and then we took it over and made it...
All rightlet's go around and introduce ourselves
and tell us why you came tonight.
Let's start with the cute guys.
I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party.
I'm getting married to Michael...right there.
So cute. God bless!
And I'm Michael.
I'm Michael as well. Michael.
Oh...So many Michaels.
And you are?
Ohshe's funny. So cuteGod bless!
And I'm Caroline. I'm Max's partner.
Ohso many gays tonight. I know.
NoI'm her business partner.
We actually have our own cupcake business over in Williamsburg,
and I must saywe're doing very well.
Max is the baker and I'm the business head
and we're here tonight to increase our skill level
and take our business up to a level that's...
Hot as well.
If you're gonna talk that much,
no one will have time to learn anything.
Souhwhere's your shop?
Wellright nowwe're just working out of our apartment.
So no shop. Ohthat's sweet.
Cute. Yeahgood luckGod bless.
Can you say jealous?
All rightlet's start simple with a pretty little icing flower.
Everybody pick up your piping bags,
and with a straight-edge tip--
But you guys can use your gay-edge tip.
All righteverybody watch Stephanie.
You're gonna take the nail head
and you're gonna make a little "U"
so that you get little petals.
And we'll do this five times.
And thenyou have a pretty little five-petal flower.
Simple. So cute. How fun!
Nono. You gotta start by making a "U".
I did. That's a "U".
Serenais that a "U"?
Not a "U".
FineI'll start over.
That was a "U".
And whatjust because I don't have a quote-unquote shop
I don't know a "U"?
What's with the attitude?
All rightlet's leave.
Next time the gays gigglewe'll just slide out.
Nowe're here to learn.
That looks good.
I suck. I'm starting over.
Maxwhy'd you do that? It was good.
Not good enough.
You two not done yet?
You have to master the little flower,
or when we move on to roses you'll be screwed.
Rightcuz? Ohtotally screwed.
Screwed and not in the good way.
Do you think we can convince them
that slapping each other's face is the new high five?
Steveohmy God. That rose is gorgeous.
Good for you.
All rightone more minute and we'll display our roses.
Steve. Little help.
I choke at timed tests.
I got like a 40 on my SATs.
Look at this place.
There's no way these girls
could have this much cupcake success in this economy.
I meanthe overhead on this building alone--
What are you saying?
Not saying mob money,
just saying maybe we'd have a shop too
if we had mob money.Shh.
Keep it down.
You wanna wake up tomorrow with Chestnut's head
in your vagina bed?
Okaytime's up. Let's see what you got.
What is that? There's like nothing there.
That's not a rose.
Nonot "whatev". It's brilliant.
And I would know becausewhen I was in tokyo,
I had a private Japanese flower arranging class
with the head of the Ikebana institute.
And he said I had a gift.
In his words,
Whatev. Okaywhat about your friend there?
I kinda ran out of time.
You had 20 minutes.
I thought she said you were the baker.
Noyou need to be able to whip these out in like 20 seconds
if you wanna be successful in your little bakery.
"UmI'd like a cupcake." "That'll be 12 hours."
And they have to be prettier than that.
Wellmaybe you'll do better tomorrow.
Remember. Your homework assignment
is to bring in a cupcake with a pretty rose on it.
Right. Like we're gonna come back here
and spend time with these Robert de Nir-hoes.
Ugh! That one stinks too. Damn it!
It's 3:00 A.M. Go to bed.
Don't. Don't say anything to me.
I am so mad at you right now.
What did I do? Everything.
I used to love making cupcakes.
It was the one thing I could zone out
and do without thinking.
And now all I'm doing is thinking.
Thinking that I stink at making cupcakes.
Who cares what they think? They're bitchy baking bullies.
We don't have to go back there.
Ohand then what?
I'm gonna think my cupcakes weren't good enough
for the rest of my life?
You said we need the skillthen we need the skill.
I'm a lot of thingsbut I'm not a quitter.
I'm gonna make a stupidpretty cupcake if it kills me.
And you are going back there with me.
And we're gonna shove our pretty cupcake
right up Snooki and her cousin's asses.
Nowshut updon't talk to me,
and go back in your vagina.
Sorry you had to see thatChestnut.
Ohnot very pretty.
But at least you triedMichael.
Just one question.
Are you sure that you're gay?
OhokayCaroline. Let's see your pretty rose.
I didn't do one. Society is way too concerned
with other people's idea of what's pretty.
Okaywhat about your baker there?
She bail too?
Nohere it is.
Maxthat's so pretty.
I'm so proud of you.
Good workGod bless. Good for you.
How long did it take you?
About three hours and 40 minutes.
But I did it!
I just wanted to prove to you and myself
I can make something pretty.
And now that I have--
That cupcake wasn't me. I don't do pretty.
But I did make each of you a cupcake that I think says
what I feel about this whole cupcake class.
This one says "Bite me".
This one says "Screw U".
You see that "U"? That's a "U".
Wellgood luck with that.
People don't want cupcakes that insult them.
Ohmy GodMax. That's our thing.
I was wrong. You were right.
We don't need to make pretty cupcakes.
Everybody does pretty.
We have to do what you do best.
Yeahwho's gonna buy that?
We will. For our shower.
And really let us bitches have it!