That's it for tonight.
Time to count the tip jar.
I can't believe you.
Using protection is so five years ago.
This is Williamsburg.
There's a good chance even the dollars have herpes.
Well, if those singles have herpes,
They should just lie about it till they get married
Like everybody else does.
Oh, good, you're still open.
噢 太好了 你们还没打烊
Oh, yes, we are. What can I get you?
噢 是的 还没 您需要什么?
Everything in the register.
Oh, my god. It's a hipster hold-up.
噢 我去 潮人都来打劫了
Hand it over. I have a gun.
Well, I have a death wish so that's not gonna work.
Look, pal, we work at this cupcake window
from 2:00 to 4:00, six nights a week,
and that is after eight hours of slinging hash
at the diner next door for lousy minimum wage,
which a bunch of rich politicians out in... Help me out.
可是那群有钱的政客 身处... 帮帮我
What she said... don't wanna raise.
Then, we walk home to our illegal one bedroom apartment,
get three hours of nyquil induced sleep
before we have to get back up and share a bowl
of spanish language cheerios.
It's the same thing but the "C" Wears a sombrero.
So, no, I am not about to give you our hard-earned money.
And if you're gonna shoot me, better aim good.
'cause if you miss, I will climb over this counter,
否则 如果你失手了 我就会翻出这个柜台
tear off your head, and it'll be our new tip jar.
Yeah, I just robbed pizza pizza.
Here's a $20.
Have a good night.
I have a way with people.
Look, I just saw that our cupcake competition,
"Brooklyn Bitty Bites," went out of business.
Yup, it's being changed into a medical marijuana store.
I already have my hole-punch card.
Buy four brownies and the fifth buzz is free.
Brooklyn Bitty Bites beat it!
Yeah! We won!
Eat it, red haired lady and your asian daughter!
Max, them going down right after the death
of the cupcake giant, "Crumbs," is scary.
It's like there's a serial killer out there
coming after cupcakes.
Well, he should be easy to outrun,
'cause that'll be one fat dexter.
Seriously, we have a big problem.
And there's our little problem.
Wow, you don't usually see the ventriloquist's dummy
out of his suitcase alone.
Hello, Earl. Hello, Caroline.
哈喽 Earl 哈喽 Caroline
Hello, reason I do two hours of phone therapy
every Wednesday before work.
So, did you all miss me?
You were gone?
'cause I swear I just saw you yesterday.
Wait, maybe that was a cat.
I was gone, people!
To San Francisco for a convention.
The restaurant and diner association.
You were at something called "RADASS" In san francisco?
Are you sure it wasn't "Redass"?
I am not gay. I'm restaurant curious.
I discovered an exciting new item for our menu.
No way. No new menu additions.
I already lie awake in bed
worrying about how high the food bar is here.
Pick up! Pulled pork.
And it's good 'cause before I pulled it,
I gave it a dry rub.
It's $4 toast.
That's $5 more than our toast is worth.
Delicious, homemade artisan bread.
At first, I was reluctant to put something so big in my mouth.
But the hot butter drizzling down my chin
was my sticky reward.
Han, that toast is trendy foodie food.
It'll die here, like my soul did.
Our customers are just plain, normal people.
guys want me on Tinder.
Now it's !
How long have you been on Tinder?
Oh, look, oh, my gosh!
噢 看啊 噢 我的天啊!
This guy's a plumber. Are you kidding me?
Yes, that's a match!
And this guy isn't even wearing a shirt!
That's another big yes!
Oh, gosh, girls, I'll be over here,
天啊 姑娘们 我要去自己的专座
Looking at boys in my booth.
Hey, I know a girl who met her husband on Tinder.
No, wait, she saw her husband on Tinder.
Hey, are wheelchairs sexy?
I guess it depends on who's in one.
I say no.
Hold the presses.
I just got a new tweet from my gal,
Oh, she just bought her some new boots in Manhattan.
Kim Kardashian is epic.
She was on the cover of Vogue. She's on fire.
So? I've been on fire.
That's the last time I try witchcraft for the free snacks.
I love the Kardashians.
They're like the Kennedys but with bigger asses.
Text me next time.
This whole talking thing is insane.
Who would I talk to about finding the owner
of Max's homemade cupcakes?
That's Max. I'm Caroline.
We're the owners of this store.
And about four pairs of socks.
Great. Wonderful. Such a cute shop.
好极了 非常好 这家店很可爱
Would you be interested in having a popular...
I didn't finish my sentence.
Sorry, I just haven't heard the word "popular" in so long.
Oh, yeah, she's over.
嗯 是啊 她太老土了
She's the Blockbuster video of people.
Would you be interested in having
a popular reality show filmed here?
I'm so sorry. I have to take this.
Just a minute.
Just say it already. Come on.
Max, this is great. Think of the exposure.
Max 这太好啦 想想曝光度
I wonder which reality show it is.
Ooh, maybe and Pregnant is doing
a "Where are they now" segment and they found me.
Or that one about you, "Here comes honey boobless."
Do you have any idea who I am?
You just do what I say or you are out!
Mommy loves you.
Sorry, my baby's Nigerian.
I mean, if you're gonna live here, learn the language.
So what are we thinking?
We'd love it. We're in. What show?
大爱 我们加入 哪个节目?
Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Finally, God opens a door.
And I'm closing a window.
She's overwhelmed. Big fan.
Do you have a card?
Mm-hmm. And listen, text me.
给 听着 给我发短信
Don't call. It freaks me out.
Just give me one good reason
why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
I'll give you five good reasons.
Kim, Kamber, Klondike...
金 坎伯 克朗代克...
and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
Not even close.
Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool aid,
好吧 金 饼干 "酷爱"饮料
and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, and Kendall.
是金 克特妮 克洛伊 克莱和克恩黛儿
That mother has some nerve, naming a kid
who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."
We need this.
Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
It's like Dancing with the Stars,
but without the stars.
So, dancing with the stars.
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate,
好吧 这让我讨厌的节目 你给我说个优点出来
'cause I've never seen it.
Well, it's all about this family
and their struggle to...
Yeah, okay. I've never seen it either.
Sophie, thank you so much for letting us come up
Sophie 真是太感谢你了 让我们在下班后
after work to watch your TV.
Max turned our old one into a bong.
That was another time I was on fire.
Well, which episode do you want to watch?
"Kim gets a new hat."
Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"?
Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"?
Now that one's a classic.
How many of these do you have DVR'd?
Well, I got on this TV
and on the one in the bedroom.
I like to go to sleep with the sound of Kim's voice.
It's so comforting when she says,
"this is super awkward."
And you know, sometimes she arches her back
when she says it, like this.
"This is super awkward."
This is super awkward.
You know, I bet you if I stayed in Poland,
my sisters and I would have had our own show.
It would've been called, Keeping Up with the Kachinskis.
It's too bad we all didn't live to see .
It's not cute.
You know I need someone to make me laugh.
Where's Kim? Kim is always late.
That's it, we're done. Money.
就这样 结束了 给钱吧
Hey, get the hell out! It's morning!
嘿 你们出去! 都早上了!
I know, I know, but we couldn't stop
watching them do nothing.
This show is freaking genius!
Is the blonde one crying?
Mm-hmm. Kris and Kim are in Vienna
and someone stole Kris's Bottega bag
and her Chanel clutch with the matching pumps
that she bought in Paris.
All right, well, I have to go take my morning tinkle.
But when I come back, I want you two to be out of here
because I need that swing for my exercises.
We have to do this show.
It'll be so great for our business.
The only way we'd get more exposure
is if Orlando Bloom and Bieber bitchslapped each other
in front of our shop.
Who cares about our business?
I want that mother to adopt me!
Her kid makes a sex tape, she turns it into millions.
The only thing my mother ever did with my sex tape
was copy it and give it to her boyfriend.
I'm so excited.
Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy.
You've never seen it.
Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.
请叫我的新名字 克拉米迪娅 卡戴珊
Don't say anything stupid like that.
I won't have to say anything.
Kris will see me and recognize me
as one of her own with my lips, my boobs,
and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.
They're here. My life changes now!
This is what I look like happy.
You've never seen it.
Hi, we are so, so excited about this.
There has been a change.
They're not coming.
It's too far to walk in heels.
See? She might as well have been my real mom
'cause she just chose a heel over me.
Hi, here I am to meet Kiki, my bff.
And look at my new dress! Twinsies!
They certainly are.
Sorry, she's not coming.
We had to film them in Jamba Juice instead.
Well, this is super awkward.
Kim, Kankels, Krank,
金 大脚踝 臭脾气
and the little ones, Kegel and Kickball,
You can kiss my keister.
Max, stop it! I'm trying to sleep.
Max 停下! 我想睡觉
Well, sorry, but I'm pissed and it's : anyway.
抱歉 但我很生气 反正也点半了
What's going on?
Even one tweet from Kim would have exposed us
to million followers.
Scientology doesn't even have those numbers.
They screwed us. I know.
That is why I'm making hate cupcakes
for the Kardashians, see?
"Eat it,""Bite me,"
and these three... "Get""A""Job."
Oh, and one for the mom that says, "I still love you,"
just in case.
Now come on, get up.
Your son needs to go out and take an -foot crap.
No, I'm done.
If everyone's done with cupcakes, so am I.
I'm done pretending that everything's gonna work out.
In our reality show, it's not.
Look, get up, or I will close this bed with you in it,
听好了 现在起床 不然我就把你连床一起合起来
and your new reality show will be True Life: I live in a wall.
I'm not getting up. Ever.
Aah! Max, stop, stop it! Stop it!
啊! Max 住手! 住手!
Put me down! Put me down!
I can't lift my head.
Did I have a stroke?
Calm down. No one has stroked in your bed
Since... What is it, going on a year?
Max. My hair is caught.
My hair is caught! My hair is caught!
Who are you yelling at?
The whole situation! Do something!
Let me look.
Oh yeah, it's all caught up in the bed gears here.
Oh my god, I have a bed with gears
and my hair is caught in it!
It's really all stuck up in there.
It's so odd.
I don't know how a thing like this could happen.
Uh, you put me up into the wall.
And now I'm trapped in a murphy bed
like some welfare rapunzel.
Stop panicking, I'll get a scissors.
Oh, yeah, yeah! Get the scissors.
对 没错! 快去拿剪刀
Then plunge 'em into my heart 'cause I'd rather die
than cut my hair.
Okay, Max, I think I have something that might work,
好吧 Max 我想到办法了
but you have to promise me
that you will never bring this up again.
What? The fact that your head
is stuck to your bed?
Sorry, that's coming up again.
Go into my nightstand
and get my cinnamon-flavored make-up remover.
You mean the lube?
Can we please call it make-up remover?
Please! I need us to do that.
It's almost empty.
Man, you've removed a lot of make-up.
Stop it! Just squeeze some out
and put it on the parts that we need to move.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Please tell me it's working.
I'm trying, but I don't think I can get your hair out.
Good news is, I think we can fit a penis in there.
Who could that be?
A rapist we've done most of the work for.
Oh, we were just talking about you.
Max, you gotta help me with the bread for Han's toast.
I've already burned ten of these.
Turns out the only thing I can successfully bake is meth.
Oleg, come to the bed. I need you!
Oleg 快到床上来 我需要你!
Only took you four years, but I'm here, baby.
尽管等了四年时间 但我就在这里 宝贝
No, it's not like that, Oleg.
不 不是你想的那样 Oleg
Just get over here!
Earl, what are you doing here?
Oleg called me when he couldn't get Caroline
to stop the screaming.
Hi, Max. Earl gave me part of a brownie.
Max 嗨 Earl分了我一块布朗宁
Turns out, glaucoma and having hair stuck
take the exact same prescription.
That's right, you mothers!
I did it!
I made the perfect bread!
You're a chef who took hours to make one loaf of bread.
Stephen Hawking was more successful at the -yard dash.
And you... You are aware
that I went all the way into Manhattan,
cupcake-bombed Kim Kardashian's hotel,
and you're still just laying here, right?
Didn't you have to pee?
I held most of it in.
This is crazy. You've been here all day.
Let's just cut your damn hair already.
I wouldn't be me without my hair.
I can't live without it.
Yes, you can.
You have lived without money,
you've lived without electricity,
you've lived without plumbing.
What do you think got me through it?
I'd be like, "Lost all my money, the toilet's clogged,
我就想 "钱都没了 马桶堵了
still got my hair."
Darling, I don't think those brownies are kicking in.
I also have some lollipops.
I hope you're happy.
I didn't see anything through the peep-hole,
so I'm guessing it's Han.
I have an open diner and no diner staff!
Han, look, I made perfect bread.
Han 看呀 我做出了完美的面包
Oh, wow. It's bigger than I'm used to.
Let me just take a minute and breathe.
And I'm sure I can take it all in.
Well, if you need any help,
Caroline's got some make-up remover.
Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet!
金金发了 金金发了 金金发了!
She's saying "Kiki tweet"!
How did he understand that? Is he part dolphin?
Kim Kardashian tweeted a pic of my mean cupcakes
and said, "Max's homemade cupcakes #notcool."
然后写着 "Max的手工纸杯蛋糕 #不厚道"
Oh, my God, Kim Kardashian hates someone I know!
That went out to million people!
- I'm so sorry. - Why?
- 我很抱歉 - 干嘛道歉?
Do you know how many people can't stand the Kardashians?
Our cupcake window will be packed!
Cut me loose.
Hey, Caroline, we're finally about to scissor.
嘿 Caroline 我们终于要动剪刀了
Are you sure?
We got a business to run.
Cut it, I'll be fine.
Yeah, you're gonna need that lollipop.
Yeah, I know, those Kardashians are the worst.
That's why I don't keep up with them anymore.
All right, Max. Okay, that's it.
好了 Max 挺不错的
Just one left. Not bad.
And your hair's not bad either.
after the emergency trip to that salon.
When you got done with me,
I looked like a baby bird on chemo.
I'm sorry I had to use the last of our savings for my hair cut.
- No, you're not. - No, I am not, I love this.
- 你才不抱歉 - 没错 我爱这个发型
Hi, I'm Kim.
I just wanted to say sorry
that we didn't film here the other day.
It almost hurts to look at her.
I know how hard us girls really work
to keep our businesses going,
so I'll take a cupcake
and I'll totally tweet about it for real.
Thank you so much.
Here, here, here, here, here.
这个蛋糕 拿着 拿着
We can't break a $, and anyway,
this is so on the house.
Wait. Real quick...
Do you think your mother would adopt me?
This is super awkward.