Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner Awards Night!
And here's your host, Neil Patrick Hairless!
This is the night where everyone is recognized
for their, well... let's call it work.
Nice suit, Han.
I loved you in The Penguins of Madagascar.
Here we go. The award for
Worst Excuse for Being Late to Work goes to...
It was true.
I was dead for a full seconds.
And the Foreign Film Award goes to...
Oleg, for always being covered in a foreign film.
Yeah. I have so many bacteria to thank...
but a special shout-out to streptococcus!
And the winner for Best Lie Told to Get a Bigger Tip
Good luck, girl.
It's an honor to share this category with you.
It's Max... for showing customers pictures
of her three small children on a regular basis.
This award is dedicated to the lights of my life...
Maxine, Max Jr.,
I know only one of you can see and hear me,
so please tell the others I... love... you.
所以请转告另外两个 我... 爱... 你们
And the award for Best Waitress goes to...
It better not!
- Caroline! - 不要!
- Caroline! - No!
Well, I guess it's true... women only win awards
when they take on roles that are humiliating.
And the Best Animated Short goes to Han Lee!
Here's your menu.
I'll be right back with your water and a stomach pump.
Keep it. I know what I want.
Me too. But it just seems like
Taylor Swift is never going away.
You're funny. Yeah. I'm not in the mood for funny.
I will take tomato soup, house salad
extra croutons. And you can charge me extra...
if you have no heart behind those gazongas.
It's cool. The guy at the counter
has no teeth, so you can have his.
Less funny... more salad. Right?
少说笑... 多给点沙拉 好吗?
Maybe the blonde one should bring it.
Oh, you want her to bring it?
Maybe clear your calendar.
Uh, the lady in the booth doesn't like my attitude
and wants you, so I guess what I'm saying is
I still got it!
Wait, a customer asked for me and didn't follow it with,
等等 有个顾客点我的名字 后面没加一句
"I'd also like to see the manager"?
That's a first for me!
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad.
上菜 番茄汤 特色沙拉
And I'm also running a special on D batteries.
Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy
of Horrible Bosses II.
Here comes Horrible Bosses Too small.
Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?
No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.
不 Max 我不像你 是靠胸口的双D供能
Don't buy batteries from that guy
unless you want your heart to stop on the bus.
Oleg, this is supposed to have extra croutons.
It's for my regular.
Yeah, you heard me. It happened.
是啊 你没幻听 姐我有常客了
Oh, no, "Extra Croutons" is here again?
Make sure you charge her extra.
I'm not made of stale bread!
No, you're made of Legos, right?
不 你是乐高积木搭起来的 对吧?
We are not charging her extra.
She looks like she can't afford it.
If she could, why would she be eating here?
Well, don't judge a book by its cover.
- People look at me and... - Think you're bad in bed?
- 别人一看到我... - 就会觉得你床技堪忧?
What's your point?
For your information, Max, I'm not bad in bed.
让我告诉你 Max 我床技不错
In fact, I'm quite the stud in my Sims community.
You wouldn't be a stud in a retirement community.
Hi! Here's your salad...
Uh... five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
And I wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Caroline, you're regular waitress.
Oh! My turn. Sorry.
哦! 到我了 对不起
I live alone, and my plants aren't this needy.
And this is Max. Max, this is Nola.
这位是Max Max 这位是Nola
See, this is why I like the blonde one.
May I please have a cheesecake?
Sure. And thank you, Nola.
当然了 谢谢你 Nola
I think it's important to listen to people.
Coming right back with that cherry pie.
I'll tell her if she ever stops listening.
I think Nola knows I'm more than just a waitress.
She can see right through this uniform.
And so can I... in just the right light.
- Close the door! - Oh, my God!
- 把门关上! - 天啊!
Sophie, you scared me!
I just saw the expiration date on this milk!
Come on, close it, quick!
快啊 把门关上 快点!
I'm in here hiding from Oleg.
If you wanna get away from Oleg,
just go anywhere they sell floss.
I think that Oleg is cheating on me.
- Look. - Oh, God!
- 看 - 天啊!
Now she's gonna start whipping it out?
he has a second secret phone.
It's a boner phone.
You mean a burner phone.
Sophie, how do you know
he just doesn't use it for long distance or...
Or for the woman that I'm calling right now?
Oh, put her on speaker.
I've nothing else to do. I'm at work.
That... is a terrible Oleg.
He is not that articulate.
Hah! That old whore!
What did she say?
I have no idea!
I don't speak Russian, but...
I do speak "old whore".
Tell me, what is his problem?
He has a sweet, young filly like me at home
and he needs to go out and plow
some old Russian field?
Well... I'd ask what you three are doing in here,
but it's never gonna top
what I'm imagining you're doing in here.
I can't believe Nola didn't come in tonight.
This is exactly what happened with my Starbucks barista guy.
One minute, he's suggestively arranging the bananas at me,
and then next minute, he's face-down,
dead in a puddle of soy milk.
Max, what if something happened to her?
More croutons for us!
She said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
That doesn't mean anything. It's just an expression
like, "Employees must wash hands."
Or... or, "The baby is yours."
Oh, Sophie, it's just you.
哦 Sophie 别大惊小怪的
And now we're even.
Look, I stole it again. Where's Oleg?
瞧 我又把它偷来了 Oleg在哪?
I'll tell you where he's not...
He's on break.
Oh, she's gonna be sorry!
Oh... no one comes between Sophie and her man.
You know... unless we pay them to.
A... does anyone ever work here?
Caroline, stop worrying. Extra Croutons is fine.
Caroline 别操心了 "多放面包丁"姐没事
She just called to order some diner food to be delivered.
Oh! So she wants to die at home.
I said we don't do deliveries.
I told her you two can barely get the food
from the window to the tables!
Max, I had to stop by
and bring Nola her salad and croutons.
I mean, she's kind of my biggest fan right now.
True... 'cause you just lost me.
I know you think this is crazy,
but there's something about the way Nola looks at me.
It's like she's seeing something in me.
The woman wears two pairs of glasses.
To her, you're just a chatty yellow and orange blur.
I was told you didn't deliver.
By who, her old boyfriends?
Are you two gonna kill me or something?
Because if you are,
I would like to put on a different hat.
No, no, no. She got worried.
See, you're her first regular.
I'm just here for the story.
I figured there'd be something freaky behind this door
like a -foot python and what's left of the UPS guy.
And Earl guessed you were a man.
No, just me in here with my vagina and my photographs.
Oh! You're a photographer?
I love photography!
And I love privacy.
And I love pot.
Oh, I thought we were going around.
Come on. You better come in too.
You're the Yin to her Yap.
Hey, careful where you step.
I can't find my third pair of glasses.
- It's on top of your hat. - No, that's my fourth pair.
- 它就在你帽子上 - 没有 那是我的第四副
This is Billy the bum!
He used to live in a box around the corner from my apartment.
He even let me stay over once
when I had to get away from this bad roommate.
- Oh, the one before me? - No, it was you.
- 哦 我前面那个? - 不 说的就是你
You two are a riot together.
You remind me of me and my old photographer friend
Course, this was before...
Before she got famous?
No. Before she hit on me.
I told her I wasn't into girls.
But... I think she was confused by the derby.
Yeah. I think we're all a little confused by it.
Nola, I want to ask you if you've ever had any success,
but I don't know how to do that without insulting you.
That's correct. You don't.
Oh! You're having a gallery show in SoHo?
Uh, it was nice of you two
to, uh, come over, check on me.
Uh... weird, but nice.
Perhaps we could come to the opening.
Oh. Oh, you don't need to do that.
I know we don't need to,
but maybe I want to support you and your amazing work.
- And Max would enjoy the free wine. - Yes, I would.
- 而且Max会享受那的免♥费酒品的 - 我会的
Oh, I would.
No as in, "No, don't come."
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I wanna eat my croutons
without the vaudeville stylings
of Shecky and Nosy.
Oh, yeah, good. I was looking for this.
哦 好极了 我还在找这个呢
I can't believe you're doing all this
for a diner regular.
I haven't seen you this desperate since Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
周二 周三 周四和周五呢
I know... on the weekends, I just give up.
我知道... 一到周末 我就懒得管了
Look that title!
"伟大的底层人民" "The Great Unwashed."
Are Oleg's balls here?
Max, it's the "art scene."
Class it up. At least say testicles.
Earl, what are you doing here?
And, Han, your sweater's eating your head.
还有 Han 你快钻进毛衣里去了
I'm here for the champagne
and because I couldn't find my way out.
I just walked into a picture of a door.
Some of these are going for thousands of dollars!
That Nola bitch is rich, and I bet she has
a frigging summer house made out of my free croutons!
Han, it's the art scene. Class it up.
Han 这是艺术现场 有范点
At least say "freaking." Also, "testicles."
Well, I'm not wasting this new turtleneck on you two.
I'm going to go mingle.
A high fashion model was giving me the eye.
Then she'd have to be high.
Uh, Han, I believe I'll stay here.
呃 Han 那我得留下了
Nobody wins with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
as a wingman.
Oh, hey, everybody.
哦 嘿 各位亲
Hey, Sophie. Hey, Oleg.
So can I class it back down now?
Sorry we're late. I was just over there
admiring the photo of the happy couple under the bridge.
Happy couple? Sophie, they're two junkies
恩爱夫妻? Sophie 他们是对瘾君子
sharing a needle.
at least the lady junkie knows where his needle's been.
I don't even think she knows her name.
Well, she knows more than she's letting on.
She knows everything.
You guys had been here for a while.
Where's the best place to steal some food?
- Max! - Sorry, sorry.
- Max! - 抱歉 抱歉
Classing it up: Testicles some food?
Oh, Max, I can tell by your sassy demeanor
哦 Max 看你这厚脸皮的举止
you haven't seen your photo yet.
What photo? I haven't bounced any checks here.
Yep, that's me, all right.
没错 果然是我 好吧
I recognize that "I don't care" pout
and the Thousand Island dressing in my hair.
Max, just because you're hanging on a wall
among the poorest, most lost souls in our city
doesn't mean that your life is...
I'm hanging right behind me, aren't I?
Oh, my God!
It could be worse. You could be naked.
This is worse than being naked!
I'm wearing polyester!
It's bad enough I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.
Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan,
and these guys didn't even tip!
No, no, no, it's a photograph so it's more symbolic.
不 不 不 这是摄影作品 所以它是有象征意义的
It's called "Waitress"
and I'm holding a checkpad.
What do all these blue dots mean?
Is my picture in trouble?
That's how many time your print has been purchased.
Over here, Max, away from that phatetic blonde lady in the waitress uniform.
这边 Max 离那个穿着工作服的金发服务生远点
Will you relax? No one even recognized you.
放轻松 好吗? 没人能认出你
No one? What about that art critic
who said "my smile on the photo
"was a study of tragic, foolish optimism
in a hopeless, dead-end life"?
"Hopeless, dead-end life"? And then worse, no one buys me?
"绝望至极 走投无路的人生" 更糟糕的是 居然没人买我的照片
I'm not even a success as a failure?
You're totally a sucess as a failure.
Then where are all the blue dots , Max?
people bought you.
Whatever you do, don't turn around.
Look at these dots!
I am going home with all these people...
man, woman, black, white.
不管是男人 女人 黑人 白人
It's like a key party at Joe Namath's house in the 's.
Why are you putting the dots by your friend's photo?
How many extra croutons can you buy
with the buttload of money you're making from these photos?
Okay, okay, I get it, you're mad. Tell you what.
好吧 好吧 我知道你很生气 这样吧
I will give you a free print of your photo.
Look, keep the photo.
I don't want a picute of me marrying ketchups.
I don't want a picture of me marrying anybody.
But you can pay me back in another way.
I told you. I'm not a lesbian. I just wear hat!
我跟你说过了 我不是同性恋 我只不过戴了顶帽子!
Your friend said you hated your photo.
No! I enjoyed being secretly photographed
while I'm stealing someone extra, extra croutons.
For the record,
I never saw your smile as foolish.
I saw it as, uh...
just a little big.
Uh... I'm trying to pay you a compliment.
Well, you failed.
All this time, when you looked at me,
I thought you saw something special,
but all you really saw was someone reading the specials.
I have a question for you.
Okay, fine. I wear the derby
好吧 我坦白 我戴帽子
because I have a little bit of a bald spot.
Why didn't I sell?
The picture sucks.
One of my worst.
If you're still trying to give me a compliment,
you're still failing.
Look, a good photograph
captures the truth.
And I guess no one really believes
you as a waitress.
That is the single nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So it's not where you wanna be... I get it.
Look, it's taken me years to be where I am.
And you are still so young.
That is the second-nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me!
The road is long, and trust me,
it can be really hard.
So whatever you do,
you hold on to that foolishly hopeful smile.
And... your funny friend.
- Yes? - Yes.
- 好吗? - 好的
Uh, everyone, tonight we are witness
to the amazing work
of Nola Anderz.
Why don't we all just stand here quietly
for a moment and let Nola's pictures speak.
That's my phone. Where is it?
Baby, why is my phone in your bra?
It's your secret phone! I know all about it.
You took it? Give it to me.
Who is she, Oleg? Who is this skanky old whore?
她是谁 Oleg? 那个可恶的老婊♥子是谁?
What... no, no, no! Stop, stop... she has my phone.
什么... 不 不 不! 住手 住手... 她拿了我的手机
It's his boner phone, everybody!
It's his boner phone!
And you had the testicles to think
I was gonna embarrass you.
Did you hear that?
It sounds a little bit like... I don't know.
The sound of cheating.
You guys haven't made up yet?
Don't make up here.
No. I slept on the couch.
I missed her so much, I watched a romcom
while eating a whole box of her edible underwear.
Still not talking to me, Sophie?
For the last time, there's nobody else but you.
最后一次声明 除了你 我没有别的女人
- I use that phone... - Yes?
- 我用那个电话... - 怎么了?
- To... - Go on.
- 去... - 继续啊
- I use it to call... - Cut to the chase!
- 我用它... - 干脆利落点!
Is there no one he won't sleep with?
I didn't tell you because
I didn't want you to think I was a mama's boy.
Except when we play "Mama and Boy."
I'll tell you what I told that girl
at the Yankee Candle store.
"I'm not buyin' it!"
It's true, Sophie.
I'm afraid I'm... losing my hair.
But don't you know...
I mean, you could be balder than Jeremy Piven was
years ago, and I'd still love ya.
Caroline, I have something for you.
I'm not signing another one of those
giant birthday cards again.
It's my picture.
Great. Now I have two of you that don't wait on tables.
"Thanks for the croutons. Nola."
Max, where are we gonna hang me?
Maybe you should hang yourself in the bathroom
like I thought you would three years ago.
Yep. I lost $20 on that bet.
You know, Max,
maybe I have to stop running away from this part of my life
and embrace it, see it as part of my journey,
my... beautiful, exciting journey.
If you don't shut up, I'm gonna hang you right here.
Max, guess what Han's doing at the counter?