Oleg, the people at Table Two
want to know what's in the veggie burger.
No. They don't.
Eh. That's fine.
They wanted refills, so I'm probably not
gonna go back there anyway.
This plate has been here so long,
the salmon is turning into Salmonella.
She took a break with the new dishwasher.
Max, I thought you slipped out the back.
He did for a minute, but I popped him back in.
This just in, work is so much more fun
when you're sleeping with a co-worker.
Max, that was good.
It was five Hail Marys good.
I think we made these dishes dirtier.
Max, he's cute, but how can you even stay hard with that accent?
Max 他的确可爱 但对着那口音 你怎么硬得起来?
"Come here, Max. I wanna hump ya a wee bit".
"过来 Max 我要和你嘿咻一把"
What can I say, I always had a thing
for the guy on the box of Lucky Charms.
Look, I got me a Fitbit.
13 14 15
十三 十四 十五...
Only , more steps before I get a bit more fit
for my wedding.
I couldn't even make it through steps.
How's my maid of honor?
How's my run-of-the-mill wedding guest?
I'm doing great. Did that sound convincing?
'Cause I've been practicing it in the bathroom mirror
for an hour every morning.
I know, I've got to stop sitting on the toilet
while you do that.
Max, let's talk bridesmaid dresses.
I don't care, I'll wear anything.
I wore a Greyhound Bus driver's uniform to my prom.
I was coming straight from work.
Well, I have decided to wear
Grandma Kuchenski's wedding gown.
Yeah, all of the women in my family wore it.
Everyone except aunts Svetti and Letti,
'cause, well, they're attached at the abdomen.
There she is.
The hot sauce for my Huevos Mancheros.
Hey, Sophie, baby, I got you what you want.
嘿 Sophie宝贝 我弄到你想要的东西了
Oleg, no one wants Hepatitis.
Our wedding's gonna be in The Times.
Oleg, how are you gonna be in The Times?
The Times tends to be picky
and you tend to be more "picky your nose."
You know, my second wedding made The Times.
'Cause my first wife showed up and shot me in the leg.
That's Vlanka, my sister.
She's my other bridesmaid.
Yeah, we're not that close, but I feel bad for her
'cause she's one of those adults with freckles.
Max, you're going to be in The Times!
In The Times, wearing God knows what Sophie will pick.
I mean, she has a drawer full of diamond tiaras for the gym.
Hello, what are you two talking about?
Deciding which tables to ignore?
We're talking about Sophie's taste.
Oh, bitch, please. Come on.
My morning fiber cookie has better taste than Sophie.
Girls, Vlanka's out.
She has an attitude and freckles.
Yeah. I mean, that's too far.
So, Caroline, congratulations!
You're my new bridesmaid!
Okay, I found a bridesmaid's dress that I like.
But the only way we can afford it is if I sell you
to that Armenian guy on Craigslist.
I get sick of hummus after four bites.
Max, we have to take charge of this.
Because whatever bridesmaid's dress Sophie picks
is like a Tyler Perry movie.
泰勒·派瑞: 美国演员 导演 编剧
I don't have to see it to know it's gonna be awful.
We'll find something classy, and beautiful,
and just shove it down her throat.
Who's shoving what down whom?
And if you don't have a story, I do.
John, Max and I got roped into being bridesmaids.
You had me at rope.
You lost me at bridesmaids.
I'll be at the hostess stand, looking at dresses
and silently wishing for an asteroid
to wipe us off the planet.
If wishes made things happen, we'd been in the middle
of a zombie apocalypse right now.
My dress just arrived from Poland
and I'm bustin' for you to see it.
See it while I eat one of your $ puddings.
Sophie, I've been looking at color choices,
and how would you feel about us in a nude?
Max could go nude but you don't have the rack to pull it off.
Does anyone have a knife?
Max, why do you have a switchblade
to work in a dessert bar?
My mother always told me to carry protection.
Wait till you see Grandma Kuchenski's dress.
They don't make them like they used to.
You know, forced gypsy labor is illegal now.
Here we go.
- Oh. - Uh...
- 呕 - 额...
Sophie, was your grandma the Crypt Keeper?
What's going on out here?
What's all that white powder in the air?
I'm trying to run a restaurant, not an 's disco.
Oh, put a sock in it.
I'm buying one of your freaking overpriced puddings.
I'd get mad but I'm mildly attracted to you right now.
I mean, now I'm getting mad.
Sorry. Wedding drama.
Her dress just fell completely to pieces...
like I'm assuming I'll do in the near future.
Whatever you need bridal,
go to Rosenfeld's in Brooklyn.
That's where I got my dress when I was broke and straight.
So you weren't always into women?
Of course I was.
Except those three years in Scientology.
Well, it looks like the three of us
are going to go dress shopping now.
Yeah. And you know, I got to go wash my hands
'cause they're covered in old lady DNA.
Well, that's that.
Shopping with Sophie is like when I worked
in a Thai massage parlor.
We are going down.
Not if we go before Sophie
and hide every ugly bridesmaid's dress that Sophie would like.
If she can't see them, she can't make us wear them.
How did you come up with that so fast?
It's the same plan I used in
when I was a bridesmaid for Chelsea Clinton.
Bad dress and then her father followed me into the coat room.
Look at this place.
It reminds me of that movie.
- Bridesmaids? - No, Nightmare on Elm Street.
- 是"伴娘"吗? - 不是 是"猛鬼街"
I don't know what you're worried about, Caroline.
I think they're all quite lovely.
You're a poor person from Ireland.
I'll ask your opinion when I need to know where to go
to get free leg braces.
You were right, Max.
She can be a real "B" sometimes.
I'm sorry, but I don't even know why he's here.
Bonin' O'Brien here...
is gonna distract the sales lady
while we hide the ugly dresses.
你们好 女士们 Hello, ladies.
Who's the lucky bride?
Or should I say, who's the lucky cradle robber?
Don't mind me.
It's just my crazy sense of humor.
Oh, the ladies here love it.
The call me "Crazy Carl."
"Did you hear what Crazy Carl said?"
They just love it.
This is Max and he isn't the groom.
No, no, no.
He's single and gay. Yes.
So gay, he got kicked out of One Direction.
Why don't you two walk off somewhere
and share poignant coming-out stories.
- But Max... - Oh, you heard the women, go.
- 但是Max... - 哦 听话 快去吧
Ladies, look around, we'll be back...
女士们 你们随便看看 我们...
in about a month.
I'm just Crazy Carl.
The ladies love it.
Bridesmaid's dresses should be called what they are.
Really expensive donations to Goodwill.
Is this one bad?
No. That's a Vera Wang.
But this is a very wrong.
Ew. And it's evil twin.
Oh, I didn't know Hazmat suits came with feathers.
Oh my God.
This the worst thing I've ever seen.
And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon
on the sidewalk.
Who are you calling a prostitute?
This, we've got to hide.
I can't get this dress off.
Just tell it you work at Google
and you're thinking of settling down.
Lift it up. Lift it up. Dump it back there.
抬起来 抬起来啊 把她丢进去
You put Butterscotch Betty down.
Oh, we were just looking for a price tag.
I know what's going on here.
You're hiding the good dresses
to make sure no one else can get them
at our annual half-off sale tomorrow.
Yeah, that's what we're doing.
We're hiding the good dresses.
In fact, I just caught another Sneaky Sue.
Oh, I'm Sophie.
哦 就是我 Sophie
Oh, wow, wow, wow.
哦 哇 哇 哇
Oh, look at the color.
That's not color. That's radiation.
That dress is a one of a kind.
Meaning there's only one?
No, we have two.
And I have two bridesmaids!
I love it when life works out perfect like this.
Look at this place.
There are more desperate women crammed in here
than the splash zone at a Kenny Chesney concert.
I know. It's like Black Friday at Walmart
And like Black Friday, hopefully someone will trample me.
Cause thanks to these dresses, my life is over.
Max, did you hear me?
My life is over.
You said that when the Chinese food place
forgot the duck sauce.
Well, I'm sorry, but I had a whole other scenario planned
好吧 对不起 我只是想以一个全新的形象
for my return to The Times.
"Entrepreneur rises from the ashes."
Now, I'm just going to be in The Times,
looking like a stupid ash.
Shoot, girl, just push on through.
往前挤啊 大姐 给点力啊
I'm pushing, girl. I am pushing.
Just go, girl.
I don't want anybody else to get those
two yellow dresses.
Max, did you hear that?
Someone has worst taste than Sophie.
Now we just have to hang back here
and let them get to those dresses first.
Yay! My life is good again.
Max, Caroline, up here.
Max Caroline 这里
What was that, like, a second?
I saved you a space upfront.
Well, it's over.
As soon as they cut that ribbon,
Sophie's going to Marshawn Lynch everyone who
gets in the way of us and those dresses.
There's only one way out of this.
And you called it earlier.
You have to let them trample you.
I'm not about to be trampled on purpose.
See if you still feel that way
after I say these next few words:
"Pictured from left, Caroline Channing."
"图中左一 Caroline Channing"
Try to fend off any heels you see heading for my eyes.
As you see, I have the big scissors,
which can only mean it's time...
to trim some nose hairs!
That Carl is crazy.
The annual bridal sale...
- is now... - Max, hold my hand.
- 现在... - Max 抓住我的手
Ladies, ladies, one at a time.
女士们 女士们 一次一件
Well, I may be limping down the aisle,
but at least I won't be limping in something Swiffer might sell
to dust off ceiling fans.
Oh, my God, girl! here she comes!
Here she comes.
My girl, Rhonda, had that dress first.
Oh, your girl is gonna have to
pry it out of my cold, dead hands.
Hey, Max, Caroline!
嘿 Max Caroline!
Try it on! Try it on!
Follow me to the changing room.
I'm never coming out in this dress, I'm scared.
So on the count of one, two...
我数 一 二...
Maybe it's not that bad.
Okay. So you're telling me,
Versace got murdered,
but no one's taken out whoever made these?
I feel like Tweety Bird is gonna sue us
for copyright infringement.
I feel like we should have giant toilet paper rolls under here.
Well, maybe we'll like these better
when we're out of this bright light.
Max, we are the bright light.
Ladies, you forgot the matching hats.
Oh, if anyone finds a Xanax, it's mine.
对了 要是有人发现一片赞安诺 那是我的
It was knocked out of my hand by two women duking it out
over a chintz mermaid dress.
Oh, now it looks good.
There's Xanax on the loose and I'm just standing here?
At least if I was high, I'd have an excuse to be wearing this.
Here pilly, pilly.
药啊 药啊 到这儿来
Here pilly, pilly, pilly.
药啊 药啊 到这儿来
Girl, for real, you look like straight up crap
妹子 说真的 你们穿上这裙子
in that dress.
You white girls can't pull that color off.
That's a waste of poppin' lemon yellow.
I am way too white for this.
She's also too white to say "turnt up" all the time,
but that hasn't stopped her.
This dress was not my choice.
I hate everything about it.
This is a disaster.
This is "Dressageddon."
Yeah, but in a good way.
You two don't want to wear the dresses.
You don't have to.
But I thought you wanted us to match
the balloons and the ducks.
Max, she said we don't have to wear the dress.
Don't question her!
That's like questioning a prison guard
when he says you're free to go.
Sophie, are you sure you don't care?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Yeah, they're all yours, Destiny's Child.
This is ten pounds of ugly junk.
Reminds me of this bartender, Pete, I used to date.
Come to think of it, that made me gag, too.
Listen, crying in a women's dressing room?
Whoever it is, girl, big butts are in.
不管你是谁 姑娘 知心大妈来了
That's Sophie's cry.
I know, 'cause I hear it through the vent
when she watches Nashville.
Are you okay?
It's not me, but I'm okay.
Sophie, why are you crying?
When I heard what you said about the dresses...
It's almost, kind of like,
you think I have bad taste or something.
Caroline thinks you have great taste.
Well, then she should say so.
Well, Sophie, I think you have your own unique style.
And I think...
that I didn't hear the words "great" or "taste."
Sophie, what do you even care what I think?
Just say it!
Sophie, I think you have great taste.
Then, what are we doing sitting here?
Let's go and get those dresses back!
Come on. Help me!
Those other girls already took them.
Well, at least we don't have to wear those ugly,
yellow bridesmaid dresses at the wedding.
Yup. Now, you only have to wear
是啊 现在 你只需要
ugly, yellow dresses here, every night.
This is the best thing that's happened to me
since I realized that weird mole on my arm was just a Grape-Nut
这是我遇到最好的事了 and not cancer.
Girls, great news.
You stuffed Han in the microwave
and you're ready to hit power?
Come on. We've tried.
You know he doesn't fit.
The one thing he's too big for.
No, I got Ilia Jorbich to be our wedding photographer.
不 我请了Ilia Jorbich来当我们的婚礼摄影师
He's the best photographer at The Warsaw Times.
Well, he's the only one who still has both arms.
Wait, it's the Warsaw Times?
All this time, I've been thinking
it was The New York Times.
New York Times?
This is much more exclusive.
You can only get it in two places.
Poland and the deli in New Jersey that sells missiles.
This is amazing.
My comeback in The New York Times
has been preserved.
Max, I'm gonna go ahead and smile.
My life is good again.
Don't smile yet, 'cause Sophie told me
that because you said she had such good taste,
she's designing our dresses herself.
What was that, like a second?
Yup. You just went from the best of times
to The Warsaw Times.