欢迎来到人力资源
Welcome to Human Resources.
作为人际关系领域 最负盛名的组织的新员工
As a new employee at the most prestigious organization in human relations,
你即将踏上一段奇妙的冒险旅程
you are about to embark on an amazing adventure.
地球上的生活非常复杂
Life down on Earth can be very complicated,
这就是为什么人们需要我们
and that's why people need us.
你的人类客户将通过管子被分配给你
You'll be assigned your human clients by the tube.
迈克尔布隆伯格是我客户？好吧
I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.
你将有机会与许多部门的生物合作
You'll have the opportunity to work with creatures in many departments.
你的团队成员有荷尔蒙怪…
Your team members will be Hormone Monsters…
真是太火♥辣♥了 她都还没开始用工具呢
This is so hot. And she hasn't even used her tools yet.
羞耻巫师…
…Shame Wizards…
你老婆给你发短♥信♥ 提醒你去学校接你女儿了
Oh, your wife is texting you about picking up your daughter from school.
要我替你回复吗？
Did you want me to respond?
爱虫…
…Lovebugs…
我的天哪
Oh, my God.
你的此生挚爱 正在埃菲尔铁塔前向你求婚呢
The love of your life is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.
忧郁凯蒂猫…
…Depression Kitties…
亲爱的 莱昂纳多迪卡普里奥来电了
Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
他想要回他的血钻
He wants his blood diamond back.
逻辑石像…
…Logic Rocks…
杰瑞米 现在还没有必要站起来
Hey, Jeremy, there's no reason to stand up yet.
我向你保证 你会下飞机的
I promise you, you will get off the plane.
还有更多
And many more.
人之所以为人 全靠你们这些骨干工人
You are all essential workers who help make humans human,
一周七天 一年五十二周 千年无休
seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, 1,000 years a millennium.
这就是人力资源
This is Human Resources.
有问题吗？
Any questions?
问一下哈 所以这部剧 跟《青春无禁忌》一样吗？
Sorry, just want to clarify. The show's going to be like Big Mouth?
《青春无禁忌》遇上《办公室》 我们是这样推销的
Well, Big Mouth meets The Office is how we sold it.
哦 那我会看耶
Oh, I'd watch that.
丁丁风车先生 你不看谁看呢？
Hey, Mr. Dick Pinwheel. If not you, who?
老乔 我有没有告诉你 我老婆最近迷上了能量疗法？
Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife is all into energy work now?
哎 老天 -就是啊
Oh, brother. -Yeah, exactly.
她说我的“心轮”堵塞了 鬼知道那是什么意思
She says my "heart chakra" is all clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.
天哪 她就不能让我 安静地看阴♥茎♥曲棍球吗？
It's like, come on, "Can't you just let me watch penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?"
昨晚那场球赛超精彩 -早上好 先生们
That was a game last night. -Good morning, gentlemen.
毛瑞 你听说了人类最近迷上的那个新VR性♥爱♥软件吗？
Hey, Maury, you heard about that new VR sex app the humans are into?
以前不都是 对着巨♥乳♥挤奶妹的油画 自己撸一管的吗？
Whatever happened to yanking your old dick to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?
那段时光真美好啊 朋友们
Those were the days, my friends.
我告诉你 20年后 没人会做♥爱♥了
I'm telling you, in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.
拜托 女人发现按♥摩♥棒♥的时候 你们也是这么说的
Oh, please. You guys said the same thing when women discovered vibrators.
不好说哦 那确实终结了我的性生活
Yeah, well, I don't know. It put an end to fucking in my house.
毛瑞 你想要什么样的生日蛋糕？
Hey, Maury. What kind of cake do you want for your birthday?
你说什么？哦 今天不是我生日
What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.
都记在办公室日历上了 别闹了
It's on the office calendar. Don't be weird.
干嘛每次过生日都非得吃蛋糕？
Ugh! Why do we always have to have treats for birthdays
当我们三岁小孩啊？
like we're all a bunch of fucking children?
请原谅我的一番心意啊
Sorry for trying to do something nice.
我真是个贱♥人♥ 竟然想给你买♥♥蛋糕
What a bitch I am, getting you cake.
天啊 我恨死这份工作了
Oh, I fucking hate this job.
贝卡 恐怕我们得让你卧床休息
Becca, I'm afraid we're going to have to put you on a bed rest
过孕期最后一个月了
for the last month of your pregnancy.
你♥他♥妈♥想得美
The fuck you are!
你说什么？ -亲爱的…
Excuse me? -Uh, sweetie--
我周一要出庭打官司
I start arguing a case on Monday,
就算得在陪审席上生孩子 我也不会错过的
and I'll queef this baby out in the jury box before I'd miss it.
她说到做到的 医生 -我需要别的选择
She'll do it, Doc. -I need another option.
没有其他选择了
Well, there are no other options.
我们需要确保你不会提前破水
We need to make sure your water doesn't break early.
天啊 要是孩子死掉怎么办？
Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive?
又或者活下来了 但天生尖脑袋
Or what if it does, and it's born with a pointy head,
这辈子只能戴圣诞老人帽
and it can only wear Santa hats?
多悲惨的人生啊！
What a terrible life!
不好意思 轮到我发言了
Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, floor is mine.
撇开蒂朵对圣诞老人帽的 异常迷恋不谈
Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside,
这可是个大问题
this is a big fucking deal.
我知道 这正是我想说的
I know. That's what I'm saying.
从野心的角度讲
Speaking from the point of view of ambition,
被迫卧床休息的贝卡 要怎么晋升为律所合伙人啊？
how's Becca supposed to make partner while she's stuck on bed rest?
而从逻辑上讲 这完全说不通
And logically, this makes no sense.
她根本就没有高血压家族史
Hypertension doesn't even run in her family.
谁还在乎这些啊？
Who cares about that shit?
一旦那孩子把她的阴♥道♥变成肉酱
They're never gonna fuck again
他们就再也不会滚床单了
once that baby turns her pussy into Bolognese.
康妮 你需要冷静一下
Connie, gonna need you to chill out.
艾美 哟 你都记下来了吧？
Emmy, yo. You're getting all this, right?
呃 是啊 记着呢
Uh… Yep. Got it. Gettin' it.
“阴♥道♥肉酱” 全记下来了
"Pussy Bolognese." We got it.
别担心 康妮 床单还是会滚的
Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.
只是次数会减少 而且不会那么爽
It'll just be less frequent and not as good.
跟巴里嘿♥咻♥本来就不是很爽 也不是很频繁了 不是吗？
And the sex with Barry already wasn't very good or frequent, was it?
“我是巴里 我每次高♥潮♥前都要昭告天下”
"I'm Barry. I always announce when I'm about to cum."
“我要射咯 我是巴里”
"I'm cumming, I'm Barry."
比起真正的巴里 我更喜欢她的版本
I love her Barry even more than the real Barry.
巴里真没劲
Barry's not cool.
嘿 别闹了 贝卡很爱巴里
Hey, knock it off. Becca loves Barry.
她也会很爱这个孩子的 因为老娘在尽自己的本职
And she's gonna love this baby too because I'm doing my goddamn job
而我需要你们也做好自己的本分
and I need the rest of you to get on board.
没错 -好吧
Okay. -Indeed.
也就是说不准再踢拳 也不准再工作
That means no more kickboxing and no work.
佩特拉 听到的话就点头
Petra, nod if you hear me.
好吧 行
Okay, fine, fine.
但她那娇弱的子♥宫♥ 还是可以审阅法律摘要的 好吗？
But her delicate womb can still review briefs, okay?
她总可以移♥动♥她该死的眼球吧？
She's allowed to move her fucking eyeballs, right?
艾美 我得老实跟你说
Emmy… I'm going to be real with you.
你做的笔记糟透了 你把所有时间都花在做假扮秀上…
Your notes are crap, you spend all your time doing imitations--
是模仿秀 -做问卷调查…
Impressions. -Taking surveys…
但大家都超爱 我的“你会选哪个？”板子
But everyone loves my "Would you rather" board.
它让大家想来上班
It makes them want to come to work.
工作就应该让大家想来上班
Work should make people want to come to work.
是 但事实并非如此
Yeah, but it doesn't.
让我问你一件事 你到底想不想成为专业的爱虫？
Let me ask you something, do you even want to be a professional Lovebug?
呃 想吧 但说实话
I guess? But, honestly,
只要能挣够钱 每晚和朋友们一起吃披萨卷饼
as long as I can still afford my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends,
就万事皆OK啦
it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.
喂 艾美 你给我闭嘴
Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
咱们在这儿做的一切可重要了
What we do here is important.
这不是什么为了买♥♥那个叫披萨卷饼的东西
It's not some bullshit job
而存在的狗屁工作
that exists just to pay for whatever a pizza-burrito is.
桑娅 披萨卷饼可是人间美味啊
Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.
我的老天 我才不在乎！
Oh my God. I don't care.
大姐呀 贝卡就要生孩子了！
Bro! Becca's about to have a fucking baby.
天哪 桑娅 你还好吧？
Whoa. Sonya, are you okay?
我没事 我只是忙得焦头烂额
I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my plate,
而你 我的助理
and you, my assistant,
对减轻我的负担完全没有兴趣！
have zero interest in taking anything off of it.
好吧 你额头的事我深感抱歉
Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.
天哪 她怎么回事？
Damn! What's her problem?
不知道呢 我已经忘了她说什么了
I don't know. I already forgot what she said.
你昨晚和瘾天使的约会怎么样啊？
So, how was your date last night with that Addiction Angel?
来嘛 透露一下 我最爱八卦了
Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey. I am parched.
他带你去浪漫的餐厅了吗？
Did he take you to a romantic restaurant?
他在烛光下对你敞开心扉了吗？
Ooh, did he get vulnerable with you over candlelight?
呃 也没有
Well, not exactly.
我们就直接进入当晚的啪啪啪环节了
We just sort of got straight to the, uh, boning portion of the evening.
妹子 又来了？
Girl, again?
我完全不介意
It's totally fine.
那实际上也是我想要的 完全没问题
And it's also-- It's actually what I wanted… and it's fine.
才怪 你真不会撒谎
Mm-mm. No. You're a terrible liar.
亲爱的 你得找个在不戴套干♥你♥之前
Honey, you need someone who will fill your belly with fancy food