《史上最危险的动物》
第一集
自我有记忆以来
I've had the fear of abandonment
我一直害怕被抛弃
as far as I can remember.
养子女心理上都有原始创伤
There is a primal wound that adoptees have.
如果亲生父母不够爱你 没把你留在身边
If you weren't loved enough to be kept,
加里·斯图尔特
你又怎能
how can you...
期望其他人爱你
expect someone else to love you,
毕竟连你都不爱自己
if you can't love yourself?
我们告诉加里他很小时就被我们收养了
We told Gary he was adopted early in life.
莉昂纳·斯图尔特
加里的母亲
我们带他回家时他只有三个半月大
We had him since he was three-and-a-half months old,
所以他就跟亲生的一样
so he was ours.
劳埃德和莉昂纳
我的父母 我的收养家庭
My parents, my adopted family,
他们是我最大的支柱
they were my biggest supporters.
但从我有记忆开始
But feelings of insecurity
我一直有不安全感
were there from as early as I can remember.
在我们十几岁时
When we were teenagers,
辛迪·斯图尔特
加里的姐姐
我注意到加里开始很纠结于自己的身份
I noticed Gary really starting to struggle with his identity.
虽然我们的童年如童话般美好
Even though we've had a fairy tale childhood,
但他内心仍有个创伤
there's still a wound that
只有他知道了自己的身世后才能愈合
I don't think heals until you know where you came from.
你的自信和自尊告诉你
Your self-confidence and self-esteem
生父母不够爱你 所以没把你留在身边
tells you that you weren't loved enough to be kept.
那驱使我几乎做每一件事
And part of that is what's driven me to be successful
都能获得成功
at almost everything I've done.
然而 助我取得商业成功的心态
What contributed to my business success
对我的人际关系却没帮助
certainly didn't help me with personal relationships.
我结过五次婚
I've been married five times.
我绝不能再让别人离开我 伤害我
I wasn't gonna let somebody leave me again and hurt me.
所以我总是先离开对方
I would always leave first.
我这一生都不轻易相信别人
I have had trust issues all of my life,
唯一一次没有那种感觉
and the only time that I didn't feel that,
生平第一次全心信任某人
for the first time in my life,
就是扎克出生的那天
was the day Zach was born.
也许他不会看到我的缺点
Maybe he wouldn't see the flaws,
也许他会爱我
and maybe he would love me...
就因为我是他爸爸
just because I was Dad.
扎克现在生了个儿子 所以我当爷爷了
Zach has a son now, so I'm a grandfather.
你做了什么
What'd you do?
但我仍不断需要...
But, I still have this continual need...
我被人爱着的保证
for that reassurance that you really are loved.
幸好我有克莉丝蒂
So, thank God I have Kristy.
她是我的磐石
She is my rock.
她是我的支撑
She is my support
因为不管我再怎么努力
because as hard as I try,
害怕被抛弃的恐惧永远不会消失
that fear of abandonment never goes away.
随后 我开始思索我的生父母
And then, you know, I think about my birth parents,
他们现在可能的样子
and who they might be today,
父亲 母亲
还有他们为什么要抛弃我
and what led them to give me up.
七十年代之前
Prior to the '70s,
路易斯安那州的领养方式都是封闭式的
all adoptions in the state of Louisiana were closed adoptions.
指领养时 收养父母和生母的资料都保密
路易斯安那州 新奥尔良市
出生证明
所以 我打消了找到我的生父母的念头
So, I'd given up trying to find my biological parents.
出生地
新奥尔良
母亲所在地
巴顿鲁日
详细地址
教堂路1934号♥
然后三十九年后的一天
And then one day, after 39 years,
就这么发生了
it happened.
我怎么也没想到
And I never could've imagined
接下来我会发现什么
what I was about to uncover.
我记得我爸爸说
I'd remember Dad saying,
"有一位旧金山的女士
"A lady from San Francisco
联♥系♥到你母亲
"contacted your mother,
说自己是你的真正的母亲"
claiming to be your real mother."
我永远也忘不了他说的是"真正的母亲"
I'll never forget how he said "real mother."
我心想 等下 我有个真的母亲 她就在这
It's like, wait, I have a real mother, and she's right here.
我有点害怕告诉你
I was kinda scared to tell you,
我们知道你想知道自己的生母是谁
and we knew that you wanted to know.
我们也从不会对你们有所隐瞒
And we never kept secrets with y'all.
他们告诉我的时候 妈妈
When they told me, Mom...
搂住我的腰
put her arm around my waist,
她把我抱得紧紧的
and she squeezed me...
说"我永远都是你的妈妈"
and said, "I will always be your mom."
那是2002年 母亲节的前一晚
This was 2002, the eve of Mother's Day.
正因为是母亲节 我觉得很愧疚
And because it's Mother's Day, I'm feeling guilty.
但是 我知道我一定得和她聊聊
But, I knew I had to speak to her.
我是加里·斯图尔特
This is Gary Stewart,
我觉得你可能是我的母亲
and I think you may be my mother.
如果真是这样
And, if so,
我想在这三十九年间
I would like to wish you,
送上我给你的第一个
for the first time in 39 years,
母亲节祝福
a Happy Mother's Day.
父亲 朱蒂·钱德勒
这就像一千次祷告终于有了回应
It was like a thousand prayers answered,
或许有一百万次了
or maybe a million prayers answered.
我在和加里的第一次交谈中
And I said to Gary a number of times
朱蒂·吉尔福德
加里的生母
说过好几次
in the initial conversation about,
"我不是想...我不需要你做任何事
"I'm not try-- I don't need anything.
我什么都不要
"I don't want anything.
我真的只想知道你过得好不好"
I really only wanted to know that you were okay."
我坐上飞机飞到旧金山
And I got on a plane and flew to San Francisco
第一次与她相见
to meet her for the first time.
看着他走向我
Seeing him walking towards me and...
那副场景我永生难忘
It was a memory I will never forget.
第一次拥抱 发生得如此自然
That first hug. It just came so natural,
我们共度了接下来的一整个星期
and we spent the entire next week together.
到了该回家的时候
It was almost time to go home,
我感到是时候问我的母亲...
and I just felt the time was right to ask my mother...
我的父亲是谁
who-who was my father.
她说 "宝贝"
And she said, "Well, honey.
已经过去很久了
"It's been a long time,
我这一辈子
"And I've spent my life
都在努力忘记那段时间
"Trying to forget that time.
不过 我记得他应该叫范"
But, I think his name was Van."
"当时我还小
"I was young,
还没成年
"Underage,
而且当时我们在逃亡"
and we were on the run."
听到此处 我难以想象
Hearing this, I couldn't imagine how
她怎么会连我父亲的名字都不记得
she couldn't remember who my father's name was.
想知道父亲是谁的渴望占据了我的思绪
The desire to know who my father was overcame me,
于是我下定决心一定要找到他
and that's when I decided I had to find him.
我完全没有想到我最后到底会发现什么
I never could've predicted what I would ultimately discover,
在接下来的十二年里
and over the next 12 years,
父亲 朱蒂·钱德勒
想知道父亲是谁的渴望完全支配了我
the desire to find my father would totally consume me.
我见过母亲后的
After I met my mother,
那一年我们经常聊天
we talked quite often over the next year.
但每每我问她父亲是谁
But the more questions I asked her about my father,
她都回答说不记得
the more she said she didn't remember.
我不想听到"我不记得"
I didn't wanna hear, "I don't remember."
我有太多的疑问得不到解答
I had too many questions, and there were not enough answers.
他不厌其烦地一遍遍问我相同的问题
And he would ask me the same question over and over again,
我真的没法说服他相信
and I really couldn't convince him that
我不能 或许根本不想
I wasn't able, and maybe didn't even want,
记起这一切
to remember a lot of it.
我认为朱蒂是记得所有事的
I think that Judy remembers everything.
琳恩·奥弗顿
朱蒂的妹妹